Increasing Your Social Fitness

How you interact with others across situations and your ability to speak and act on your values in the face of situational pressure is what psychologist Philip Zimbardo and colleagues call ‘social fitness’. Even though the building of social fitness might benefit from techniques like learning to give at least one compliment to one person each day and from telling others what’s unique about them, I believe more fundamental work has to be done before social fitness is built to last and to succeed.

Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee have written a book titled Primal Leadership – Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence. These authors and researchers talk about the four components of emotional intelligence: self awareness and self-management (clustered as ‘personal competence) and social awareness and relationship management (clustered as ‘social competence). These four components are crucial not just in effective, inspiring leadership as the authors argue convincingly, but in healthy, happy living and working for anyone.

The four components, or better, capabilities, determine how you manage yourself and how you manage relationships. Is there anything else as important to manage? I don’t think so, whether you’re a leader or not, whether you’re employed or not, but with the recognition, of course, that for leaders (including parents who lead their children and everyone leading inside or outside the realm of business) it might be even more crucial to be leading (or better living) with a high Emotional Intelligence considering their influence on others.  

Both self awareness and social awareness are the basis for self management and relationship management, and both types of awareness are rooted in the views and principles of the Gestalt Psychology on which I have written before http://www.caromoors.blogspot.com/2011/03/gestalt-approach-to-organizational.html)

The three elements of self-awareness that Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee identify are emotional self awareness, accurate self-assessment, and self-confidence (see also: Why Women Leaders Need Self-Confidence on HBR Blog Network by Leslie Pratch). Some important aspects of self-management are, not surprisingly, self-control, transparency, adaptability, and optimism. In the category social awareness, empathy plays a crucial role. J. K. Rowling’s perspective on this component of emotional intelligence is “Imagining yourself into the lives of others” as she put it in a marvelous speech that I highly recommend you watch, with thanks to my dear friend Margje Ramaker who sent me the link: http://pottermoreravenclaws.tumblr.com/post/13486344610/j-k-rowling-on-failure-and-success-suggested

As for the last of the four major components of emotional intelligence, relationship management, and thus the fourth component of social fitness, Goleman and colleagues list inspiration, influence, developing others, and conflict management as some of the defining ingredients.

With this list of elements of strong self awareness and strong social awareness, it will be clear that there is a lot of work to do to build lasting social fitness, but also work that can begin right here and now, step by step, with the help of Goleman’s books on the topic or any other resource delving deeper into the ‘what, how, and where to’ of emotional intelligence. With such great authors and resources I do not feel the need to rewrite, add, or duplicate. I merely wish you many successful and inspiring social fitness sessions, because the discovery and growth never has to end and maintenance is as key here as it is in keeping up your house, yard, or car!

Monopoly, Chutes & Ladders and the Power of Attitude

In their book “High Altitude Leadership” Chris Warner and Don Schmincke discuss two different kinds of luck. The first one is pure luck. The luck (good or bad) that just happens by chance. This is the case with the game Chutes & Ladders. When our children were younger they loved this exciting, unpredictable game. And even though their chances of winning did not increase no matter how often they played it, even though it is just a matter of luck as soon as you spin the wheel, they would feel so proud and happy upon their victory. And of course they did, because winning a game is fun. And even though they disputed this many times (“I’m just better than you mom!”), there is no relationship with skill whatsoever.

The second type of luck is skill-based luck like the ‘luck’ in games such as Risk or Monopoly. The luck you (can) actively create using your insights and skills in a smart way, like the buying and selling of streets and houses in Monopoly. This is skill-based luck you can influence. One major ingredient for skill-based luck is not a skill, however, but your attitude. It has been widely researched and documented, including in the medical world, that people with a positive mental attitude get more accomplished, attract more successful people, recover quicker from illnesses or from an unwise move in a game for that matter. One such specific example of a positive attitude is imagining how things could have been worse and not dwelling on ill fortune that comes your way, again, applicable to dealing with life’s events as with bad moves in all kinds of games. If you decide (because it is a decision, whether conscious or not, and often learned and shaped early in life by the role models and the kind of guidance we received) to take control of the situation, to re-shape your environment, to rethink your options, to re-design your goals and strategy, to re-define, re-assess, and appreciate what’s left and what new possibilities can do for you, you are in charge by the power of your attitude. It’s the attitude, the look on life, the approach you choose that influences everything else. Looking on the bright side of things and working through hardship, searching for ways to benefit from what is now inevitable sure isn’t always an easy task, fra from, but as soon as you start pitying yourself, focusing on the negatives and allowing yourself to be sucked into the victim role you’re doomed for depressed moods, hopelessness, and self-defeat which than sets in motion a halo-effect, negatively influencing your thinking, feeling, deciding, and what you aspire to accomplish.

So my advice for the weekend: Reflect on your attitude. Reflect on your attitude in good times and in difficult times.  In what way and in which situations is your atttitude of service to you? Where do you see opportunity for change and growth, and what is it that you need to get there?

Good luck. The attitude-based luck that is!

Getting out of the box - Questions and Curiosity

                                                                                           

It might be counter-intuitive in the “I need to be the expert” rat race and with the belief that we have to be all–knowing, whatever the job or position we hold. However, I belief a good starting point for any conversation with yourself and with others to be: “I don’t know, let’s find out, explore, and then act wisely” unless, of course, you are certain of things.

If you are a regular reader of my blog you know I value the art and skill of questioning. Not because I would have loved to be an investigator of any kind nor because I take to philosophy, which I do. The true reason is that I see too many dead-end thinking processes. I witness too many conversations clogged with preconceptions, prejudices, assumptions, and unshakable beliefs that leave no room for different beliefs or perspectives. And I see too many ego-driven conversations with little or no meaningful focus on the other person, whether it be a client, superior, subordinate, or loved one. I believe all this to be dangerous in life, in business, in personal development, in politics – you name it.

So my question to you today is: Can you ever ask enough questions? Not easily, is my opinion, and I am not just speaking from a customer-focus point of view where you are trying to gain relevant information about customers or prospects. I mean in general. I therefore suggest we spend more time freeing the mind of preconceptions, prejudices and assumptions by asking more questions, almost like children do:

-What makes it so?

- Why not?                         

- How so?

- Why not the opposite?

- How do you know?

- Where to?

These and similar questions decrease the chances you stay locked up in possibly old beliefs that used to have value but, in a changing world, have lost most of their power. These questions decrease the chance you constrain yourself to the limitations of the “preconception straight-jacket”. These questions decrease the chance that you are perceived (and worse, operate as) a quick-fix shallow person with an inflated ego.

Some of the questions I suggest you contemplate

1.       What moves me?

2.       Where am I heading?

3.       Who moved me today?

4.       What are three different perspectives to use on this issue?

5.       Who did I move and inspire this week?

6.       What have I upset today, what did I stir up?

7.       What would I do if I weren’t afraid?

8.       What risks do I take?

9.       Where can others find my imprints?

10.   What do I want to see when I look back 10 years from now?

Asking relentless questions, asking thought-enhancing questions, that’s what broadens your perspective, that’s what makes you focus on others, that’s what helps you look inside, that’s what makes you take advantage of multiple perspectives, that’s what facilitates charting new territory, and that’s what enables creative problem-solving.

True, many questions don’t have definite answers, but that’s perfectly okay, better get used to it. It’s not always (or often not) about finding the right answers, it’s about asking the right questions and the process of re-examining and re-thinking that it fuels.