Question

“Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.”

This is one of my favorite quotes by French writer, historian, and philosopher Voltaire. 

This past Thursday and Friday, Stephanie McGovern and I facilitated the two-day course ‘Fundamentals of Organization Development’ at the University of Minnesota. We do this three times a year and I feel fortunate. Stephanie is a richly experienced, wonderfully vibrant OD connoisseur with a passion for organizational and human dynamics and a contagious laugh. My luck doesn’t stop here though. Our group of 27 participants from a variety of industries was awesome: eager, curious, reflective, and very fun to work with. 

In the context of using ‘self as instrument’ and maximizing the OD consultant’s emotional intelligence, we talked about the importance of non-judgmental curiosity. Two skills that are intertwined with this kind of curiosity are asking questions and deep listening. Attendees of our course asked for resources on asking great questions, so here are three books, 1 article, and my own sample of questions. The questions listed here can help you connect, dig deeper, gain understanding, question your assumptions, bridge gaps, and calm the waters. 

Article and books:

https://hbr.org/2010/02/learn-to-ask-better-questions,John Baldoni

The Art of Asking: Ask better Questions, get better Answers,Terry J. Fadem

Good Leaders Ask Great Question,John Maxwell

Asking Better Questions,Juliana Saxton

Before I give you a sampling of my favorite questions, please remember that our first and the most obvious questions are generally based on what we already know or think we know. They are based on assumptions that you may not have questioned and on interpretations that seem logical and true, to you. Different and better questions will help you explore issues in new ways. Below you find examples of questions that deepen your thought processes and those of others. Please share your favorite questions with me.

Am I/are we surrounding ourselves enough with people with diverse beliefs?

What elephant in the room could we be addressing at this very moment?

If we don’t change a thing, what will things look like next week, month?

How would things change if the opposite of what I believe were true?

How was I possibly involved even if I’m not causing the situation?

Am I listening to understand or am I listening to be understood?

What could be a completely different perspective on this issue?

What are different ways that I can be part of the conversation?

What might I have been neglecting or denying for some time?

Will what I am about to say or do help or harm the situation?

What could be dysfunctional that I am pretending to be fine?

What is something I should probably plan to do differently?

What may this person be fearing or trying to accomplish?

Are my assumptions valid?
If so, why?
If not, why not?


Am I showing up in critiquing or constructing mode?

What actions would I take if I were not afraid?

What is working and am I/are we utilizing it?

What if I am totally or partially wrong?

What is it that I’m holding on to?

How do I know that I am right?

How can I better support?

Am I protecting something?

Do I have enough data to freak out?

What influence may I/you not be using?

What are we afraid to admit and talk about?

What common ground may we be overlooking?

Is there anything we are not addressing right now?

What is in your way? What could move you forward?

What are we covering up for ourselves and for others?

I’d like to understand your worries, objectives, etc. better.

What truths may we not be telling each other around here?

What would be your suggestion for each of us to do differently?

What are the topics that are off limits in this team, organization?

How may things change if I/we flip the question or thought around?

Is this a good time for me to talk or should I invite someone to share?

What if I am missing, misinterpreting, over-emphasizing etc. something?

Would you have anything to add if you could speak your mind completely?

What style and person can counteract and complement my style right now?

What do you think I may be overlooking, exaggerating, misinterpreting etc.?

What would be your suggestion to improve our communication/collaboration?

Saving one of the best for last: 

How may I be in my own way right now with possible perfectionism, impatience, autobiographical listening, insecurity, or one of the many interpersonal allergies or cognitive biases that we all suffer from?

I wish you great questions for great conversations! As Einstein said: 

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”

Trust building, collaborative phrases for your conversations

We all have those conversations and collaborations that seem challenging because intentions are misunderstood, parties rush to judgment, styles are clashing, or objectives are misaligned. Other relationships are strong and secure yet you may still experience an unexpected twist in the conversation, one you didn't see coming. And there are situations in which trust and credibility are harmed and you have to move forward together. For any of these scenarios, whether in a group setting or a personal meeting, the following sentences, from Covey's Trust Action Cards, I find very helpful. Give them a well-intentioned try and add your own examples - there are many more.

You see things differently from me. I want to learn more about your perspective.

  

When you do this, the impact on me (the team, the client) is …

Let me make sure I understand what you are trying to say.  

What are you not saying that needs to be voiced?

I respect you and I want to be candid with you.

What is it you'd like to see me do differently?

I’d like to share what I have observed.

This is what I feel strongly about ...

What is the ‘undiscussable’ here?

  

Where and how can I get better?

I need to listen before I respond.

I want to acknowledge you for …

How can I make this right?

From my perspective …

We need your opinion.

I was wrong about …

I apologize for …

My intent is…

Answer 8 questions before accepting a (new) leadership position

In "The Art of War for Women - Sun Tzu's ultimate guide to winning without confrontation" by Chin-Ning Chu, a case is made for the importance of mental strength. As I assume we can all agree, mental strength is vital to your success at any level in any industry and in any culture. "If you cannot handle the pain of setbacks, don't take on a leadership role in the battlefield of either business or life." is one of the numerous thought provokers from this book.

On page 147 and 148, Chin-Ning Chu presents 8 questions that should be answered affirmatively before accepting a (new) leadership position: 

1. Do I posses the ability to be decisive?

2. Do I have the guts to complete the necessary tasks?

3. Am I willing to take calculated risks?

4. Do I have the stomach to handle the unpredictable setbacks?

5. Do I possess an uncrushable strength?

6. If my plan fails, am I resilient enough to bounce back?

7. Do I have the ability to bear humiliation? 

8. Can I endure trying times?

Wishing you candid self-reflection!

The Power of Your Beliefs and Thoughts - Talk at St. Catherine's University

This post is based on a talk at St. Catherine’s University at the Leadership Imperative Conference for women leaders. Honored, humbled, and enriched I left this day having enjoyed so much wisdom from and for women leaders! Cindy Kent, general manager of Infection Prevention Division at 3M provided a powerful and inspiring closing keynote, sharing her personal and professional journey with us. Thank you Cindy! Also a warm-felt ‘thank you’ to everyone who participated in my talk “The Power of Beliefs and Thoughts” and for your very appreciative feedback about the content and delivery of this talk. Some key points to emphasize:

- Learning requires curiosity, creativity, candor, and courage.
- We often do not realize how incomplete and subjective our perceptions are.

- You and only you are responsible for your thoughts, emotions, and actions.

- Identify your musts and ask whether they should be musts or rather preferences.

- You may not be fit to lead if your greatest strength is seeing weakness in you, in others, or both.

- We regularly deceive ourselves, driven by the need to protect our image and self-esteem.

- The biggest gift to ourselves and others is listening a little longer and postponing judgment.

- There is wisdom to be gained from asking positive, self-critical questions such as

o   What if I am (partially) wrong?

o   What may I be missing or misinterpreting?

o   Could I be clinging to untested assumptions?
o   Which opinions and perspectives am I not soliciting?

o   Which biases and hot buttons could be at work right now?

o   What assumptions and thoughts might lead to a better outcome?

o   What if I am focusing on the wrong thing or on too many things?

o   How much will 'this' still matter tomorrow, next week, next month?

I’d like to close with the thought that the best leaders allow themselves to be persuaded. I think of Alan Mulally, former FORD executive, who is said to be exceptionally skeptical of his own opinions, and I think of Christine Lagarde, head of the International Monetary Fund, who is known to seek out information that disproves her beliefs about the world and herself. How smart, right?!

Want to get better at handling tough conversations?

Early January I had the honor and pleasure to be back at the webcast studio of Minnesota Continuing Legal Education in downtown Minneapolis. This time I was asked to speak about "The How of Tough Conversations". 

I will share seven elements of this presentation that should strengthen your confidence, insight, and skill in handling a variety of tough conversations. Regardless of the exact nature of your conversation or circumstances, many tough conversations are unpredictable, emotional, and draining. Therefore:  

1. Schedule your conversation early in the day, if you have any control over the timing, to feel as fresh, sharp, and positive as you can. Since we all have a limited amount of mental energy (and thus limited self-control) make sure not to have to exert unnecessary self-control on things that you can do after your conversation or that don't need to be addressed at all! You want to keep sufficient reserves of mental energy for your difficult conversation. 

2. Prepare yourself physically:

- Deep breathing: 6 of them (about 55 seconds!) will already slow down your heart rate and provide your body with the necessary oxygen, including your brain and it's amygdalae (your fear center, involved in processing emotional memory and responding to stressful situations) and your prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision making, personality expression, and moderating social behavior).

- Power posing: a great source to learn about the positive effects of power posing is a TED talk by social psychologist Amy Cuddy, but in brief, if you perform power poses your dominance hormone testosterone goes up and your stress hormone cortisol goes down.

3. Reflect on your fears, needs, assumptions, and thinking flaws that may be at play in this situation. For example: you fear that you won’t be able to contain your frustration, you may be driven by the need to always appear in control, your assumption about the person could be that she’s driven by a wish to outsmart you and your most prominent thinking flaws are drawing premature conclusions and taking things too personal. A great resource on examining and correcting assumptions and thinking distortions is “How to Keep People from Pushing your Buttons” by one of my 'mentors' Albert Ellis. 

4. Know your expectations and make sure they are realistic. Check your partner’s expectations and how he perceives yours. Only if you ask questions about expectations and goals is it possible to align. 

5. Increase your awareness during the conversation: what do you sense in your body (tensing of shoulder muscles?) and which emotions are developing (anxiety)? Emotions provide valuable information to evaluate and guide your thinking and acting. Also use heightened awareness to understand what your conversation partner may be experiencing in the here-and-now. However check your assumptions about the person and delay your judgments – you’ll do yourself and the relationship a great favor.

6. Ask more and better questions. Not questions to prove your point, but questions to understand the person better. Then listen and observe attentively. Remember, most of us are lousy listeners because we allow our own needs, fears and thinking flaws to dominate and we too easily give free reign to internal and external distractions. Hence the importance of awareness in the here-and-now. 

7. Distinguish between the content of a conversation and the relationship or process aspects of that conversation. A great article on this topic is:  https://hbr.org/2016/01/defusing-an-emotionally-charged-conversation-with-a-colleague

Practice makes progress, so use these tips in your next tough conversation!