That darn difficult word called ‘Sorry’

Early June I was honored to provide a webinar for Xcel Energy on delivering an effective apology. I will restrain myself and not go into the timeliness of this topic, yet you have to admit, we know too many people in politics, business, or at home who could do a much better job at apologizing.

Some people apologize easily and well, of course, others not so much. You may under or over-apologize or just go through the motions with all form but no substance or sincerity, making matters worse. A sincere and well-received ‘I am sorry for…’ and in which you speak the person’s language can help you learn from your interactions, repair the relationship, and restore credibility. So how to do it well? The five main ingredients of an apology, based on Gary Chapman’s book on the topic are:

1.    Express sincere regret openly, so not for the person to read between the lines.

2.    Accept full responsibility, without any type of blaming or excuses thrown in the mix.

3.    Make restitution.

4.    Genuinely repent and

5.    Request forgiveness.

Keep in mind that the apology is about what you did or didn’t say or do yet it is also about the person’s apology needs and language. People show individual differences in what they consider a ‘decent apology’. For Cliff it may be crucial to hear that you understand how deeply you’ve hurt him while Angela wants you to accept full responsibility for what you did. If you speak a different apology-language, emphasize the ‘wrong thing’, the person may not be satisfied with your apology, despite your good intentions.

In addition to Chapman’s five languages of apology I suggest you consider my 5 C’s of an apology. Any apology needs to be courteous, concise, candid, caring, and clear and you want to avoid common pitfalls: blaming, justifications, ifs and buts, excuses, longwinded, repetitive, and reluctant.

Three more examples of ineffective apologies are the excessive apology, over-apologizing and the you-apology. An example of an excessive apology: “I’m so sorry! I feel so bad. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? I feel so bad about this… I am really, really sorry!” Apologizing is meant to rectify a wrong and rebuild a damaged relationship. With excessive apologies you do no such thing because you draw attention to your own feelings, rather than to what you’ve done to another person. When you over-apologize you say “I’m sorry” for things that do not merit an apology. This is often rooted in upbringing and parental values on politeness and may reflect a tendency towards conflict-aversion and pre-emptive peace keeping. Regardless of how well intentioned, over-apologizing undermines confidence and credibility, it dilutes the power of the phrase when you do need it and it may be received as a way to seek re-assurance. Lastly, “I’m sorry you did not understand me” does NOT qualify as a true apology because you want to stay in the first person and refrain from any kind of accusing.

  

The Psychology behind Organization Development Work

This post is inspired by two days at the University of Minnesota – College of Continuing and Professional Studies, packed with curious people who brought a rich diversity of work and life experiences to our Organization Development Course. Stephanie and I greatly enjoyed and appreciated working with you all!

When it comes to Organization Development (OD) work, there is so much to discuss. This post focuses solely on some of the psychology behind OD work. Lets start with things you don’t need in OD work (or any other work):

1.    You don’t need to own the client’s problem.

2.    You don’t always need to be the smartest in the room.

3.    You don’t always need to be right.

Equally important of course is what you do need in order to be effective in any kind of OD work, such as the ability to:

-       Observe astutely

-       Ask powerful questions

-       Reflect regularly and thoroughly

-       Listen just a little longer than you may want to

-       Understand the influence of self (strength, weaknesses, experiences)

-       Think and help think in alternatives and solicit and utilize multiple perspectives

These six ingredients form the foundation of any success in OD work yet they are only the beginning of course. There are a myriad of other OD competencies, to mention just a few: knowledge of the business / industry / organization, research methods, management / organization theory, teamwork / collaboration, dealing with ambiguity, organization behavior, resource management, and project management. Enough to work on I’d say. 

Returning to the psychology of OD work, I think there are six crucial C’s in any OD role in addition to understanding the system and the technicalities of your field:

✓ Curiosity

✓ Candor

✓ Courage

✓ Creativity

✓ Confidence

✓ Communication

You want to apply all of the above with the right intention, timing, strength and focus in order to be effective. Ask yourself, which one of these comes natural to me and which ones do not? Which C’s may I be overusing in challenging situations, since an over-used strength easily turns into a liability? And which ones may I be neglecting or even shying away from and for what reasons?

Much of OD work is people-work so we discussed tempting, human pitfalls. They are nothing to be embarrassed or afraid about, yet you want to recognize and handle these tendencies to move from awareness and acknowledgement to accountability and action – my 4 A’s of professional effectiveness. Example tendencies are:

-       Getting sucked into personal drama

-       Communicating by verbal ping pong

-       Focusing in who is wrong and who is right

-       Being oblivious to the box you are in

-       Complaining, blaming or wanting to fix others

-       Getting in your own/your client’s way by not managing your hot buttons

There's much more to say about the psychology of OD work yet I’ll leave you with some of the many helpful questions to ask yourself and to ask others:

What may I/they be missing?

What may I/they be misinterpreting?

What may I/they be repeating from some other context?

What may I/they be really needing right now or protecting?

What can be truly different lenses to look at this situation?

What may we confuse as a problem to be solved where it's a polarity to be managed? 

Want to get better at handling tough conversations?

Early January I had the honor and pleasure to be back at the webcast studio of Minnesota Continuing Legal Education in downtown Minneapolis. This time I was asked to speak about "The How of Tough Conversations". 

I will share seven elements of this presentation that should strengthen your confidence, insight, and skill in handling a variety of tough conversations. Regardless of the exact nature of your conversation or circumstances, many tough conversations are unpredictable, emotional, and draining. Therefore:  

1. Schedule your conversation early in the day, if you have any control over the timing, to feel as fresh, sharp, and positive as you can. Since we all have a limited amount of mental energy (and thus limited self-control) make sure not to have to exert unnecessary self-control on things that you can do after your conversation or that don't need to be addressed at all! You want to keep sufficient reserves of mental energy for your difficult conversation. 

2. Prepare yourself physically:

- Deep breathing: 6 of them (about 55 seconds!) will already slow down your heart rate and provide your body with the necessary oxygen, including your brain and it's amygdalae (your fear center, involved in processing emotional memory and responding to stressful situations) and your prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision making, personality expression, and moderating social behavior).

- Power posing: a great source to learn about the positive effects of power posing is a TED talk by social psychologist Amy Cuddy, but in brief, if you perform power poses your dominance hormone testosterone goes up and your stress hormone cortisol goes down.

3. Reflect on your fears, needs, assumptions, and thinking flaws that may be at play in this situation. For example: you fear that you won’t be able to contain your frustration, you may be driven by the need to always appear in control, your assumption about the person could be that she’s driven by a wish to outsmart you and your most prominent thinking flaws are drawing premature conclusions and taking things too personal. A great resource on examining and correcting assumptions and thinking distortions is “How to Keep People from Pushing your Buttons” by one of my 'mentors' Albert Ellis. 

4. Know your expectations and make sure they are realistic. Check your partner’s expectations and how he perceives yours. Only if you ask questions about expectations and goals is it possible to align. 

5. Increase your awareness during the conversation: what do you sense in your body (tensing of shoulder muscles?) and which emotions are developing (anxiety)? Emotions provide valuable information to evaluate and guide your thinking and acting. Also use heightened awareness to understand what your conversation partner may be experiencing in the here-and-now. However check your assumptions about the person and delay your judgments – you’ll do yourself and the relationship a great favor.

6. Ask more and better questions. Not questions to prove your point, but questions to understand the person better. Then listen and observe attentively. Remember, most of us are lousy listeners because we allow our own needs, fears and thinking flaws to dominate and we too easily give free reign to internal and external distractions. Hence the importance of awareness in the here-and-now. 

7. Distinguish between the content of a conversation and the relationship or process aspects of that conversation. A great article on this topic is:  https://hbr.org/2016/01/defusing-an-emotionally-charged-conversation-with-a-colleague

Practice makes progress, so use these tips in your next tough conversation!  

Who’s afraid of conflict?

Unresolved conflict represents the largest reducible cost in many businesses. Yet, in many organizations, conflict remains largely unrecognized and un-dealt with. At the same time, too many people do not realize that tension and conflict, if you can prevent intense emotions and animosity, carry the seeds of new perspectives, innovative thinking, and better decisions.

Why are we so afraid of conflict and so unsuccessful or clumsy at best at dealing with conflict? Upbringing, personality, societal norms, organizational culture – I’m sure we can blame them all. But rather than wasting time defining, over-analyzing, and psychologizing the world of interpersonal conflicts, I prefer to focus on practical tips: how to prevent unnecessary conflicts from arising and how to benefit from the conflicts that are part of life. Once you know ways to effectively deal with conflicts, there is no need to be afraid of them. Here are 15 tips:

1. Be aware: Often your assumptions about others' intentions are wrong. Check them. Ask clarifying questions and, the hard part, really listen to the responses. 
2. Basic yet often neglected: Ensure everyone agrees on what the problem exactly is.
3. Focus less on position and more on the underlying interest behind the position. 
4. Know that every behavior serves a purpose, regardless of whether this purpose is shared and whether the behavior is deemed acceptable by all involved. 
5. Step back and ask: What am I/what is (s)he trying to protect/avoid/accomplish? 
6. Be the first one to verbalize commitment to resolving the conflict. 
7. Be aware in the present moment: Pay attention to emotions and dynamics. 
8. Analyze and manage expectations on both sides. 
9. Be ready to be wrong. If you are, admit it graciously without undermining yourself. 
10. De-escalate by eliminating exaggerations, premature conclusions, and condemnations - instead ask questions, listen, and tell your version respectfully.
11. Do not confuse assertive communication with aggressive communication. 
12. State things openly and directly rather than implying them indirectly. 
13. Filter out unproductive feedback. Ignore it and focus on relevant content.
14. Focus on common ground while exploring differences with genuine respect. 
15. Ask yourself which of the many thinking distortions might be hindering you: fanatic perfectionism, disaster thinking, low frustration tolerance, wishes-turned-demands, needing-to-be-liked addiction, the blame game, generalizing, taking things personal, black-and-white thinking, exaggerating the negative…

Seeking self-interest at the expense of others and clashing wants, needs, and expectations will lead to conflict. Conflict develops where people’s lives, jobs, children, pride, ego, and sense of purpose is at play. Don’t obsess with keeping everything even-keeled, nice, and smooth. Instead focus on candor, respect, and mutual understanding. Learn to recognize and manage conflict by using conflict as an opportunity to gain new perspectives and make better decisions.