Language shapes
organizations, families, societies – it shapes every group, every institution, and
every person. I think most of us know that it matters which words we choose and
use in our attempts to motivate, guide, and inform our children. We know that teachers
can greatly influence their students with their attitude and style, which is
most prominently shown in the language they use when addressing their students.
Yet often we use words and phrases that are just short of the opposite from
what we are aiming to achieve whether it be in the home, the office, or at
school: they are perceived as demotivating, confusing, negative, discouraging,
hesitant. We talk about what we don’t want to see rather than what we do want to see. We focus on old
incidents thereby steering away from our main point. We focus on problems and
blame rather than causes and solutions. We go on and on, losing attention and
influence every second we continue on this nagging path. And,
as you would want it to be, people listen to the language you use, to the themes
you focus on, and to the words you choose. People around you interpret your
words and your themes and act upon those interpretations, whether they do it
consciously or not. Taking it even a step further, you can shape people’s
beliefs (and your own) with your words and your themes.
I’m sad
to say that what happens in organizations is often not that much different from
what happens in families and in private life. There is a fair amount of
negative, nagging, and numbing communication going around in organizations. Ineffective
communication abound in the business arena, from silence, vague or mixed
messages, hearing things "after the fact," distorted information, to
receiving information overload. In the business setting, knowing what and how
much to communicate, how to communicate it, to whom to communicate, when to
communicate, and through what language comes only through a well thought out
plan – the communication plan that defines and controls (or at
least that’s the intention) the messages a company conveys to its customers,
employees, stockholders, and to the general public. A communication plan should
include objectives, strategies to achieve those objectives, clarity on who will
deliver the messages and by what means, as well as the anticipated outcome of
the efforts and how the results will be measured and evaluated. But
it shouldn’t stop there, because with the best communication plan in the world, if
front-line employees, leaders, and anyone and everyone in your organization is
not fully aware and mindful of their spoken language and it’s effects, much of
your influence is out of control. The spoken and written language is a big part
of your organizational culture, just as it is a big part for societies and
countries. For most politicians and for some business people, the words they
speak are carefully crafted, but for many of us, in leading and in following
positions, we do not consciously consider the words we use and the effects they
will likely have on others. And that is because we don’t choose the words that
we use. And we often don’t seem to understand how much our words and phrases
are a result of the very beliefs and thinking patterns that they also help
shape.
In my 22 year career as a business and leadership coach,
I have used the language of my clients as one of the entry points to their
belief system and thinking patterns. I have used their language to help them understand
how they define themselves, others, and their relationships by the language
they utter. We have used language as one of the available tools to increase
their effectiveness. I feed back to them from our very first meeting what I
hear them say and what strikes me in their use of words. We discuss the beliefs
underlying their choice of words as well as the possible effects of their words
on themselves (and not just in the case of self-descriptions) and on others.
One of my clients 20 years ago spoke in terms of “I think I am rather well-liked,
in general,….” and “They say I’m kind of good at technology, I guess.” The
hesitance in this person’s language could have different causes, such as truly
doubting his own abilities and strengths or the belief that he shouldn’t be
bragging about himself. There are other possible dynamics at play, but the main
point is that this client had started to believe his own words. He was
reinforcing his underlying beliefs by building a vocab of hesitance and
underestimation. Another example is war-language. I remain to be stunned by the
many clients who use phrases such as “We’ll make sure we’ll get those bastards”
(talking about a different department), or “The best way to get somewhere is to
fight your way to the top in this company” – you get the picture, you’ve heard
it yourself I’m sure. Many clients will tell me that it’s “just the way we talk
about things here – don’t worry too much about that”, but it’s much more than
that, with beliefs, assumptions, expectations, and thinking patterns to be
discovered and influenced. Equally important, of course, I point it out when
clients use positive, confident language or language that is inclusive and
geared towards win-win situations.
Communication
experts, from Thomas Gordon with his active listening and I-messages, to Paul
Watzlawick with his axioms that you cannot not
communicate and that communication is always content plus relationship, to Bert Decker, with his belief that you have to
be believed to be heard, there has been much attention given to communication:
How to communicate when discussions turn heated, how to deliver a perfectly
informative and interesting speech, how to adjust your style of communication to
different audiences, how to persuade a potential customer, or how to keep a
longwinded colleague in line so as not to drag on the meeting once again. These
are important aspects of communication, no denying that. I urge you, however,
to start with the obvious. I urge you to look and listen to your daily
comments, before and after the official meeting. I urge you to look and listen
to remarks you make in the hallway or at lunchtime. I urge you to look and
listen to your tone of voice, to the strength with which you declare something,
to the words that you choose, and to the effects they might have on others. Are
you convincing, are you passionate, are you respectful, are you clear, are you
positive in what you say and how you say it? Are you aware of the beliefs that
underlie your language? Are you aware of the beliefs that you are expressing
with the language that you choose?
