You
missed your step while walking down the stairs to your basement. You hurt your
left knee - badly. The next few days you’ll be working hard to relieve your
left knee by putting most of the load on your right leg and knee.
You hit
your right shoulder real hard at the office when a colleague opened a door
unexpectedly and slammed it right into you. Of course you are doing everything
with your left arm now, in a determined effort to spare your right arm and
shoulder.
You slipped
on a muddy path while walking your dog in the woods and fell. You hurt your tailbone
and are now trying to minimize the pain by using your body differently – That
was me, yesterday.
We all
know what the problem is with these examples: In your efforts to minimize pain
and discomfort you step into avoidance mode. To a certain extent this is
necessary for your body to heal – every physician will tell you this. You also
know, however, that those body parts that are supposed to help you avoid discomfort
stemming from the injured limb, they will
be over-used. They will be strained to a point where they create their own discomfort
and problems. You know this and you act upon it, or so you should.
Why is it
then that we think it’s so different in communication and collaboration? Why is
it that so many people avoid the discomfort of having that bold conversation
with their peer about underperformance that has hardly gone unnoticed? Every
such conversation that is left ‘not held’, is creating new problems or exacerbating
the original problem. Why is it that so many employees do not provide candid
feedback upwards and so many managers don’t provide it downwards? Every feedback
being held back is a chance missed to increase trust, collaboration, and
effectiveness. Why is it that bad leadership goes unchallenged for so long?
Leaders
know that many of the people around them don’t dare to be honest with them.
Most the leaders participating in my coaching programs tell me during our conversations
- which are, of course, candid, direct, confrontational, provocative and
disruptive as needed - that this is lonely and counterproductive. Many other
leaders belief that their people do tell
them the truth about what’s happening in the organization and about how they
perceive their leaders, which they generally don’t, given the nature of a leader’s authority and power. Leaders
will have to actively seek candid feedback and, when they get it, respond with
an open mind and with curiosity. You don’t necessarily have to feel on top of
the world and be all happy when you receive negative feedback. You can however
make it a ‘habit of attitude’ to welcome candid feedback for the sake of
learning about others and yourself.
All
feedback, whether downwards, upwards, or sideways, that is being withheld,
creates new problems: confusion, secrecy, underperformance, lack of alignment,
hidden agendas, disengagement and much more.
Getting
back to the ‘Why is it that … ‘ question, and without going into psychology too
much I will say this. There are many dynamics at work besides the workings of
authority and power, such as habits that were formed in a land far away, our striving
for harmony, self-defense mechanisms, projecting our own desires and fears unto
others whether right or not, inconsistent or unrealistic expectation
management, thinking errors and more. And yes, I do know about hierarchy, about
organizations where the culture is far from open let alone that candid feedback
is appreciated and encouraged. I do realize that your upcoming performance feels
endangered with a candid-feedback-session.
But let
me ask you: What’s so bad about discomfort? Why do we act as if it were a
permanent state of mind and body? Why do we often treat it as an all-or-nothing
situation? What happened to having a candid, bold conversation while at the
same time remaining sensitive to and actively inquiring about how our views are
being perceived? What happened to correcting mid-course if the conversation
isn’t working out the way you had planned it? What happened to clarifying your
intentions to set the right stage? What happened to speaking from the heart to
the heart?
Please,
be candid – It’s the best show of respect and of a genuine connection. Please
be candid – It’s the only sure route to learning, collaborating, and
succeeding. Please be candid – speak out, stand up, and be the one who notices
and discusses. If you do it respectfully, in a direct and transparent manner, and,
if necessary, in a private setting, you’ll be surprised how many people
appreciate your perspective, even if they don’t immediately acknowledge it. I’m
the living proof. Ask my customers, ask my former colleagues, ask my former
bosses.
If you
wish to read more on this topic, two good articles are:
And last, a TED talk by Margaret Heffernan about
good disagreement being central to progress: http://www.ted.com/talks/margaret_heffernan_dare_to_disagree.html?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=linkedin
