Coaching in 60 words

There are more theories, definitions, and books on coaching than we need. Here’s my 60-word perspective on coaching after close to three decades in this interesting field.

Observing sharply

Thinking systemically

Confronting self-deception

Discovering blind spots

Uncovering thinking distortions

Asking profound questions

Revealing and unraveling assumptions

Connecting the seemingly unconnected

Strengthening focus

Probing provocatively

Increasing candor

Clarifying options

Reinforcing awareness

Aligning values and actions

Stimulating discovery

Creating clarity

Shifting perspectives

Illuminating opportunities

Encouraging courage and risks

Decreasing victim behavior

Strengthening resilience

Holding accountable

Caring, trusting, confronting, supporting

Something to think about…

Two excerpts from Lao Tsu in the Tao Te Ching.

I hope they get you thinking and reflecting.

I hope they inspire you.

If the leader guides the people,

he must serve with humility.

If the leader leads them,

he must follow behind.

In this way, when the leader rules,

the people will not feel oppressed.

When he stands before them,

they will not be harmed.

The whole world will support him

and will not tire of him.

Because he does not compete,

he does not meet competition.

From the Tao Te Ching

In dwelling, be close to the land.

In meditation, go deep in the heart.

In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.

In speech, be true.

In ruling, be just.

In business, be competent.

In action, watch the timing.

From the Tao Te Ching

A Step-by-Step Framework for Candid Conversations

The why and whereto of candid conversations have been covered in some of my previous blog posts. Today I focus on the how-to:

1.    Tell the person you have something difficult to say.

2.    Optional: Warn the person that she/he might be upset with your message.

3.    Say it immediately. Say it straight. Say it brief. Say it clearly. (which means no beating around the bush, no sugar coating, no packaging between niceties.

4.    State it as your opinion or suggestions and not as ‘the’ truth since there is no one truth.

5.    Clarify that you care for the person, hence your candor and the risk that comes with this candor.

6.    Be prepared for a wide range of emotions and responses. Be prepared for push back.

7.    Realize that candor is a two-way street. Be ready to receive candor and straight talk and actively ask for it. Listen, ask clarifying questions, and consider and learn rather than interrupt and counter-argue.

When things go wrong

No matter how well you prepare and train, things can go wrong. Always. Here are tips to deal with such situations:

1. Be brave enough to be vulnerable and fallible

2. Know that very few mistakes are final and fatal – we’re talking communication and leadership here, not medicine and surgery.

3. Be present in the here-and-now. Use your awareness to sense when it turns bad and make it the topic of conversation.

4. Ask for feedback, suggestions, impressions. And listen.

5. Clarify again, your intentions and style.

6. Repeat your care and concern for the person, team or topic.

7. Apologize for the unintended impact but stick to the message if that is still what you believe.

Straight-Talk – From Stress and Struggle to Success

To my relief, candor, transparency, and straight talk increasingly show up in articles and discussions. It is much needed. As much as many workplace and other conversations benefit from subtlety and nuance, at least as many conversations are in great need of honest, sincere expression, of forthrightness, and of frankness in responding.

My business is called HardTalk and clients call me the Candor Coach. At the same time many think I’m on a crazy endeavor. Introducing more candor in communication and in leadership, regardless of the culture and the setting, is generally looked at as opening a can of worms. 

The reason? We are fueled by our fears! You are fueled by your fears and by your tendency to avoid risks. Think of your need for approval (your fear for disapproval), your need for praise (your fear for criticism and disapproval), or your need to be liked (your fear for rejection). For too many people, the desire – or obsession? – to prevent conflict is especially strong. Conflict is often perceived as bad and unpredictable.

To make things a little worse, in addition to being guided by your fears you are misguided by erroneous beliefs, and the two are obviously related. If you believe:

- That tensions and negative feelings should be avoided in conversations

- That showing respect is synonymous with withholding what might be painful, and

- That your need to be liked and accepted justifies indirectness and half truths… YOU ARE WRONG

You do everyone, including yourself, a great disservice by sugar-coating the message, by beating around the bush and by delaying or withholding your opinion. Your customers, your employees, your loved ones – every one loses. They might like the conversation or you better in that very moment, but how about trust, helping each other grow, and showing respect through honesty and straight talk?

Candor with yourself and others decreases blind spots and self-deception, improves communication and collaboration, and it increases trust and accountability. As simple as that. And remember, in a trusting and transparent relationship people can handle confrontations and the, sometimes brutal truth, even if they don’t like it.

Now what? How to start? First, start thinking past the roadblocks and

-       Amend your beliefs on kindness, assertiveness, candor, and conflict.

-       Know and learn to handle your needs and fears.

-       Practice having candid conversations. And practice. And practice.

My next post will cover a step-by-step framework on the ‘how-to’ of candid conversations. 

Just Some Questions for You, That’s All

Part of my early morning routine is starting my MacBook in search for the good stuff by Harvard Business Review, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, the Wharton School of Business, Fast Company, or a good leadership/entrepreneur blog. It provides me with great nutrition for my brain and with new ideas for my talks, workshops and coaching sessions. Sometimes it’s nothing more than a different perspective on an existing concept which helps me look at an idea or event from an unusual angle. I like that, and I’m sure I don’t do enough of it. Neither do you.

This morning, the HBR Tip of the Day caught my eye with the title How to Ask Productive Questions?  Not new, not shockingly different but very relevant. It talks about how you and I make more statements than we ask questions. It talks about the fact that some (or many?) of our “questions” are in name only. I believe this to be true for most of us, and my advice to clients when working to improve their influence through communication is always straightforward: Decide whether to ask a real question or whether to make a clear statement, but decide and do. No deceiving please, because that leaves others misguided, insulted, defensive, confused, suspicious, even distrustful – and righteously so.

Hence I’ll be real clear. I have real questions for you. Questions I suggest you ask yourself in order to keep improving your effectiveness on the job, at home, anywhere.

- What am I not willing to admit?

- How can I find new ways to add meaning to the people on my team?

- Which of my beliefs have become fossilized and might be seducing me to ‘business as usual’?

- To what extent did I live by my values today?

- Am I really ‘there’ when I’m ‘there’, or is it a case of part-time presence? Do I allow distractions to keep me from fully engaging?

- Who impacted me today and how am I going to grow from this now?

- How can I make tomorrow more meaningful than today?

- What have I tried to control, which I know I shouldn’t?

- Was my heart involved in whatever my head focused on today?

- Did I communicate with conviction and clarity?

- Where did I lack the courage to stand up, speak out, be frank, say it straight?

I’d love to hear your question!

Noticing

Noticing.

A skill. A gift. A necessity.

Without it, you dis-engage, you dis-connect.

Without it, you easily disagree, disappoint.

A vast amount of business is conducted (and ruined) in the absence of really noticing. Too many interactions in the workplace (and elsewhere) are starved of full attention, of genuine interest, and of open-minded and focused curiosity.

What it takes to really notice?

Your willingness to work hard on staying in the here-and-now, with awareness of yourself, of the other person, and of what happens in the interaction.

Your skillfulness to pay attention to details and the mundane as well as to the special and the big.

Your keenness to open yourself up so you can sense, wonder, and listen without having to worry about image, heroism, selling, scoring.

Your readiness to welcome candor and directness.

Your eagerness to set aside the many distractions that viciously fight for your attention.

Your adeptness to deal with the unexpected and with what might be uncomfortable.

Noticing: A mindset. A process. A joy. An absolute necessity!