A Step-by-Step Framework for Candid Conversations

The why and whereto of candid conversations have been covered in some of my previous blog posts. Today I focus on the how-to:

1.    Tell the person you have something difficult to say.

2.    Optional: Warn the person that she/he might be upset with your message.

3.    Say it immediately. Say it straight. Say it brief. Say it clearly. (which means no beating around the bush, no sugar coating, no packaging between niceties.

4.    State it as your opinion or suggestions and not as ‘the’ truth since there is no one truth.

5.    Clarify that you care for the person, hence your candor and the risk that comes with this candor.

6.    Be prepared for a wide range of emotions and responses. Be prepared for push back.

7.    Realize that candor is a two-way street. Be ready to receive candor and straight talk and actively ask for it. Listen, ask clarifying questions, and consider and learn rather than interrupt and counter-argue.

When things go wrong

No matter how well you prepare and train, things can go wrong. Always. Here are tips to deal with such situations:

1. Be brave enough to be vulnerable and fallible

2. Know that very few mistakes are final and fatal – we’re talking communication and leadership here, not medicine and surgery.

3. Be present in the here-and-now. Use your awareness to sense when it turns bad and make it the topic of conversation.

4. Ask for feedback, suggestions, impressions. And listen.

5. Clarify again, your intentions and style.

6. Repeat your care and concern for the person, team or topic.

7. Apologize for the unintended impact but stick to the message if that is still what you believe.

Straight-Talk – From Stress and Struggle to Success

To my relief, candor, transparency, and straight talk increasingly show up in articles and discussions. It is much needed. As much as many workplace and other conversations benefit from subtlety and nuance, at least as many conversations are in great need of honest, sincere expression, of forthrightness, and of frankness in responding.

My business is called HardTalk and clients call me the Candor Coach. At the same time many think I’m on a crazy endeavor. Introducing more candor in communication and in leadership, regardless of the culture and the setting, is generally looked at as opening a can of worms. 

The reason? We are fueled by our fears! You are fueled by your fears and by your tendency to avoid risks. Think of your need for approval (your fear for disapproval), your need for praise (your fear for criticism and disapproval), or your need to be liked (your fear for rejection). For too many people, the desire – or obsession? – to prevent conflict is especially strong. Conflict is often perceived as bad and unpredictable.

To make things a little worse, in addition to being guided by your fears you are misguided by erroneous beliefs, and the two are obviously related. If you believe:

- That tensions and negative feelings should be avoided in conversations

- That showing respect is synonymous with withholding what might be painful, and

- That your need to be liked and accepted justifies indirectness and half truths… YOU ARE WRONG

You do everyone, including yourself, a great disservice by sugar-coating the message, by beating around the bush and by delaying or withholding your opinion. Your customers, your employees, your loved ones – every one loses. They might like the conversation or you better in that very moment, but how about trust, helping each other grow, and showing respect through honesty and straight talk?

Candor with yourself and others decreases blind spots and self-deception, improves communication and collaboration, and it increases trust and accountability. As simple as that. And remember, in a trusting and transparent relationship people can handle confrontations and the, sometimes brutal truth, even if they don’t like it.

Now what? How to start? First, start thinking past the roadblocks and

-       Amend your beliefs on kindness, assertiveness, candor, and conflict.

-       Know and learn to handle your needs and fears.

-       Practice having candid conversations. And practice. And practice.

My next post will cover a step-by-step framework on the ‘how-to’ of candid conversations.