Reflection Time

Most of the leaders that I coach are busy. That's a fact. They are real busy meeting, strategizing, traveling, implementing, overseeing, guiding... The occasional client reflects regularly yet that's the exception. The majority of the leaders I work with tell me there’s not much time to reflect (read: no time at all). And that’s a lousy excuse for not reserving time to do what really improves your professional effectiveness, your EQ, and your wellbeing and that of your staff. Below you find some of the reflection questions my clients have found helpful. And let’s say it as it is: we all take showers, we all wait in line, we all drive or ride public transportation, and we all have many other moments that we can use for reflection if we really want to: 

- What matters most to me? Is that what I spend most of my time on?

- Which values guide me? Do my actions really show this? Do my people know?

- Who have I influenced lately? Today? How is this benefiting them?

- What two ‘things’ inspire and energize me most? How do I grow from this?

- What do I hate when people say this about me? May there be truth in this?

- How focused and present in the here-and-now was I really today?

- What do I tend to deceive myself about? What purpose is this serving?

- What two ‘things’ create stress for me? How may I be creating this myself?

- What am I known for, what is my reputation, how do others describe me?

- What do I better let go off to solidify this position or obtain the next one?

- What are people likely to say about me at the water cooler?

- What do I wish to preserve and take with me regardless where I go?

- What is wise to add to my bag of tools and why haven’t I done this yet?

The most effective ‘reflectionists’ reflect regularly, with input from others who are candid with them, and they follow it up with specific actions to adjust and improve.

Who’s afraid of conflict?

Unresolved conflict represents the largest reducible cost in many businesses. Yet, in many organizations, conflict remains largely unrecognized and un-dealt with. At the same time, too many people do not realize that tension and conflict, if you can prevent intense emotions and animosity, carry the seeds of new perspectives, innovative thinking, and better decisions.

Why are we so afraid of conflict and so unsuccessful or clumsy at best at dealing with conflict? Upbringing, personality, societal norms, organizational culture – I’m sure we can blame them all. But rather than wasting time defining, over-analyzing, and psychologizing the world of interpersonal conflicts, I prefer to focus on practical tips: how to prevent unnecessary conflicts from arising and how to benefit from the conflicts that are part of life. Once you know ways to effectively deal with conflicts, there is no need to be afraid of them. Here are 15 tips:

1. Be aware: Often your assumptions about others' intentions are wrong. Check them. Ask clarifying questions and, the hard part, really listen to the responses. 
2. Basic yet often neglected: Ensure everyone agrees on what the problem exactly is.
3. Focus less on position and more on the underlying interest behind the position. 
4. Know that every behavior serves a purpose, regardless of whether this purpose is shared and whether the behavior is deemed acceptable by all involved. 
5. Step back and ask: What am I/what is (s)he trying to protect/avoid/accomplish? 
6. Be the first one to verbalize commitment to resolving the conflict. 
7. Be aware in the present moment: Pay attention to emotions and dynamics. 
8. Analyze and manage expectations on both sides. 
9. Be ready to be wrong. If you are, admit it graciously without undermining yourself. 
10. De-escalate by eliminating exaggerations, premature conclusions, and condemnations - instead ask questions, listen, and tell your version respectfully.
11. Do not confuse assertive communication with aggressive communication. 
12. State things openly and directly rather than implying them indirectly. 
13. Filter out unproductive feedback. Ignore it and focus on relevant content.
14. Focus on common ground while exploring differences with genuine respect. 
15. Ask yourself which of the many thinking distortions might be hindering you: fanatic perfectionism, disaster thinking, low frustration tolerance, wishes-turned-demands, needing-to-be-liked addiction, the blame game, generalizing, taking things personal, black-and-white thinking, exaggerating the negative…

Seeking self-interest at the expense of others and clashing wants, needs, and expectations will lead to conflict. Conflict develops where people’s lives, jobs, children, pride, ego, and sense of purpose is at play. Don’t obsess with keeping everything even-keeled, nice, and smooth. Instead focus on candor, respect, and mutual understanding. Learn to recognize and manage conflict by using conflict as an opportunity to gain new perspectives and make better decisions.