Taming Your Internal Critic

Something you do not want to take with you into this brand new year is an overly active “internal critic” who is constantly judging, criticizing, and condemning you.

“Good isn’t good enough, look at others, they’re so much better.”

“Don’t you dare mess this up, you’ll be a failure.”

“How come you still haven’t mastered this yet. That’s pretty darn dumb!”

 

I’m sure you at least recognize one of these internal messages, and they are totally fine as long as it’s a first response rather than a strong and persistent belief that greatly affects how you think, feel, and respond.

Just to be clear, absolutely everyone has an inner critic, a disapproving inner voice, and in fact, this is originally a good thing. Part of the inner critic is the rational analysis of self, a mechanism that can be helpful to understand and anticipate criticism as long as it doesn’t harm your self-concept in the long term. In addition, your critical inner voice originally had good intentions: It wants to help you succeed in life and it strives for a great job and wonderful relationships. It wants for people to love you and it likes to see you happy and successful.

So where does this inner critic come from and how does it develop into a liability rather than an asset? Your internal critic was formed when you were a young child. It is based on messages you received from parents, caretakers, and other significant people in your life. These messages were internalized into your own ‘little parent’, into your ever present critical voice. Its goal was to protect you by teaching you to adjust to the world and to the people around you in order for you to meet people’s expectations. For the internal critic to be functioning well it had to keep your desires and demands under control. This was done through stern and strict criticizing and correcting of your behavior so that negative comments and disapproval from the outside world could be prevented. This is, to a certain extent, a helpful mechanism, however, for many people their critical inner voice grew wild and out of control, acting too eagerly and fanatically, thereby defeating its own purpose and threatening you and bringing you down more than helping you and lifting you up.

To make matters even worse, an overactive internal critic is hard to recognize as an originally protective mechanism. Its messages wrongly turn into set facts that are not debatable. The inner critic conveys messages that turn what was supposed to be a helpful guideline, into harsh and judgmental commands. Your inner critic does not know (anymore) how to moderate and control itself and is like a wild, dangerous animal on the loose. Many experts believe that the self-criticism of your inner critic is almost always destructive, rarely constructive. They state that a habit of internal criticism will penetrate to your very essence, and you will think and feel like a failure in important life areas. Sometimes the critical self judgments will be so pervasive that you can feel like a total failure. Of course we are talking of a very active and wild inner critic which you might or might not recognize. The important thing is that you do not need to continue these anxious, depressed, hopeless ways of thinking. Cognitive behavioral techniques can provide the necessary correction and relief, and for some just common sense.

Before we move on to helpful techniques to counteract the harsh critic and the negative self judgments that damage your self-esteem and impact your functioning, I want to stress again that the above is not the complete story of the inner critic. That would not be a very hopeful picture, of course, but more importantly, it would not be a realistic one either. I am sure it is obvious that there are vast differences between people in the effectiveness of their inner critic. For some people it still functions as a helpful companion to get closer to whatever goals they have set out to pursue. Not everyone’s inner critic is out of control or devastating.  But for those whose inner critic took over, there are successful ways to detect and correct your inner critic before it runs wild or turns for the worse, so that it can be working in your best interest again. There are ways to regain control over your beliefs about yourself and the world around you.

In order to detect a dysfunctional inner critic you have to borrow from cognitive psychology and its tools like the RET, the Rational Emotive Training, also known as the Rational Effectiveness Training. According to cognitive psychology and the RET our emotions are caused not by situations or people but by the way we perceive them, by the beliefs we hold of them. Some beliefs and some lines of thinking are healthier and more rational than others.

Recognizing and minimizing mistakes in perception and thinking

In order to use cognitive techniques to keep your inner critic under control, you first have to be aware of and understand which particular perception and thinking mistakes you make. The most common ones are:

1.   Black-and-white thinking, e.g. dividing your characteristics and qualities into absolute all or nothing categories.

2.   Identifying yourself with your characteristics and your mistakes, thinking that this is who you are. 

3.   Exaggerating, such as looking at a one-time negative experience as a recurring situation rather than realizing it is an incident - nothing more, nothing less.

4.   Mental filtering: the tendency to convert neutral or positive experiences into negative ones and constantly preoccupying yourself with these ‘negative’ experiences.

5.   Mind reading: this refers to the tendency to instantly and persistently think you know what others are thinking, including what they think about you, like that people look down on you and think negatively of you, without any verification whether this assumption is correct.

6.   The crystal ball: predicting the future with an ever bad ending without any sensible data supporting this prediction.

7.   Responding emotionally: using your emotions as the basis for your thoughts and actions rather than the other way around. One example is: “I feel inferior so I must be inferior.”  

8.   Should/must be – should/must have thinking: criticizing yourself with should-haves and overly strict rules and impossible demands.

9.   Self-blame or accountability gone wild: holding just you responsible for things that have happened (or not happened) in situations where you are only partly or totally not responsible. Be assured, this is not a plea against personal accountability which I regard as a crucial element of a healthy person and a healthy society.

In many cases, knowing these ‘faulty beliefs and thoughts’ and being aware of when they pop up, can help you tame your internal critic. Extra measures to take include:

1.   Repeating short, concrete sentences  like: “Stop, this is bad for my self-
confidence and it’s not getting me anywhere.”

2.   Confirming your self-esteem by realizing that your worth as a person doesn’t change with a mistake, and it is not just comprised of your failures. Your self-esteem starts with accepting who you are, with your strengths and you’re your shadows. (This is again, not a license to not hold yourself accountable. It is just a license not to condemn and criticize yourself overly.)

3.   Make the internal critic redundant by a healthier handling of:
a.    The absolute need to do everything right, the first time.
b.    An over-concern with praise and a total melt-down in the absence of praise.
c.    The need to control all negative feelings like the feelings associated with failing. The good news and the bad news is one and the same: Everyone who lives and takes risks, will fail at some point in time. Fail forward and upward by learning from it and by realizing that failing is part of living.
d.   Fear of rejection, anger, and frustration. Three feelings commonly known as ‘negative’ feelings but they are part of life. Know them, see them developing, curb them where you can and accept that they are part of life just as joy, pride, and happiness are.

4.   Be kind to yourself. People with a strong internal critic usually haven’t properly learned to be kind and to take care of themselves. What do you see when you look in the mirror? Are you highly critical of yourself? Do you just see that slight dent in your nose and that pimple on your cheek that seems to be growing more and more important as you look into that mirror longer? These perceptions and thoughts leave you feeling inadequate and unattractive. Or do you notice that your hair has a beautiful shine to it and that your eye lashes are long and beautiful, despite the dent and the pimple that are also there?  The picture in the mirror, of course, remains the same, but what you focus on, whether it’s when looking in the mirror or when evaluating your day or your skills and accomplishments, your positive and caring thoughts about yourself make a difference in terms of your mood and your self-esteem, and therefore in your next steps and the results you create.

5.   Last, the way you handle guilt and mistakes is often related to the internal critic. Guilt is only a helpful emotion up to the point where it leads to insights and correction and where ever it leads to more responsible future behavior. For many people, however, guilt simply leads them into feeling bad, worried and depressed, possibly avoiding the issue or self-medicating with alcohol or drugs. Remember, guilt can go on forever, while a mistake, so common for humans, can often be corrected.

To sum it all up: Don’t allow your inner critic to become a source of self-criticism, shame, worries, depression, and a lack of self-esteem. Know that your inner critic is always present and will never be satisfied, so better learn to tame and control it rather than trying to satisfy it. Don’t let your inner critic convince you that others are necessarily better, smarter, more beautiful. Tame your inner critic into a voice that, in a mild and friendly manner, reminds you that something might not be such a good idea rather than yelling “What a stupid idea, once again” at you.

Conversation Killers

Credit to who deserves it. This title and the inspiration for this post stem from Roger Connors and Tom Smith in How Did That Happen? (2009). On page 140 they talk about conversation killers as related to acting accountable and holding others accountable. My list of conversation killers applies to many communication situations, including but not limited to the ones on accountability.

I know you will recognize many of these ‘killers’, I am not really telling you anything new. The question, however, is:  Will you recognize them as killers you use?  Taking it a step further, will you not only recognize them but invest in learning to avoid them, which, of course, requires that you understand why you use those killers in the first place? What purpose do they serve you? Is it a good purpose, a good cause, and do you just need to seek different ways to accomplish your goals, or is it wise to adjust your purpose and objectives all together? Questions only you can answer, so let me stick to listing some of the main conversation killers.

1.       Confusing assertive communication, where you honor both parties and their rights and feelings, with aggressive communication, where you overrule and violate the other person, whether knowingly and willingly or not.

2.       Throwing statements, conclusions, and judgments across the table rather than asking questions and listening to what is being said in words and through non-verbal behavior.

3.       Which takes me to: Implying things indirectly rather than stating them openly and directly, and even more of a killer: Denying insinuations and allegations that are clearly implied by what you say, how you say it, or what you neglect to say and do.

4.       Finger pointing, blaming, and accusing rather than exploring each person’s perspective and role in the total situation.

5.       Preparing your come-back or rebuttal while losing sight of what is being said and meant right here and now as a result of not listening.

6.       Confusing someone’s ‘no’ or the communication of boundaries with the person attacking you and your character.

7.       The bad old “always” and “never”, often used between arguing partners and in conversations between parents and their children.  These words not only rarely apply to situations, they also block any real conversation because they push the other person into ‘defense-mode’ to prove that your exaggerations are unwarranted.

8.       Confusing your own subjective and inherently limited reality with the one-and-only reality, closing the door to the world of multiple perspectives and realities.

9.       Getting stuck on details when the bigger picture is what matters, or, focusing on the big picture when details are in the way of getting to that larger place.

Again, the value of this post is not in the new insights. There are none in this article. Everything has been discovered, said, and explained before. The value lies in becoming aware of and exploring your own communication skills and killers, in understanding their dynamics, and in finding ways to avoid them.

Increasing Your Social Fitness

How you interact with others across situations and your ability to speak and act on your values in the face of situational pressure is what psychologist Philip Zimbardo and colleagues call ‘social fitness’. Even though the building of social fitness might benefit from techniques like learning to give at least one compliment to one person each day and from telling others what’s unique about them, I believe more fundamental work has to be done before social fitness is built to last and to succeed.

Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee have written a book titled Primal Leadership – Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence. These authors and researchers talk about the four components of emotional intelligence: self awareness and self-management (clustered as ‘personal competence) and social awareness and relationship management (clustered as ‘social competence). These four components are crucial not just in effective, inspiring leadership as the authors argue convincingly, but in healthy, happy living and working for anyone.

The four components, or better, capabilities, determine how you manage yourself and how you manage relationships. Is there anything else as important to manage? I don’t think so, whether you’re a leader or not, whether you’re employed or not, but with the recognition, of course, that for leaders (including parents who lead their children and everyone leading inside or outside the realm of business) it might be even more crucial to be leading (or better living) with a high Emotional Intelligence considering their influence on others.  

Both self awareness and social awareness are the basis for self management and relationship management, and both types of awareness are rooted in the views and principles of the Gestalt Psychology on which I have written before http://www.caromoors.blogspot.com/2011/03/gestalt-approach-to-organizational.html)

The three elements of self-awareness that Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee identify are emotional self awareness, accurate self-assessment, and self-confidence (see also: Why Women Leaders Need Self-Confidence on HBR Blog Network by Leslie Pratch). Some important aspects of self-management are, not surprisingly, self-control, transparency, adaptability, and optimism. In the category social awareness, empathy plays a crucial role. J. K. Rowling’s perspective on this component of emotional intelligence is “Imagining yourself into the lives of others” as she put it in a marvelous speech that I highly recommend you watch, with thanks to my dear friend Margje Ramaker who sent me the link: http://pottermoreravenclaws.tumblr.com/post/13486344610/j-k-rowling-on-failure-and-success-suggested

As for the last of the four major components of emotional intelligence, relationship management, and thus the fourth component of social fitness, Goleman and colleagues list inspiration, influence, developing others, and conflict management as some of the defining ingredients.

With this list of elements of strong self awareness and strong social awareness, it will be clear that there is a lot of work to do to build lasting social fitness, but also work that can begin right here and now, step by step, with the help of Goleman’s books on the topic or any other resource delving deeper into the ‘what, how, and where to’ of emotional intelligence. With such great authors and resources I do not feel the need to rewrite, add, or duplicate. I merely wish you many successful and inspiring social fitness sessions, because the discovery and growth never has to end and maintenance is as key here as it is in keeping up your house, yard, or car!

Monopoly, Chutes & Ladders and the Power of Attitude

In their book “High Altitude Leadership” Chris Warner and Don Schmincke discuss two different kinds of luck. The first one is pure luck. The luck (good or bad) that just happens by chance. This is the case with the game Chutes & Ladders. When our children were younger they loved this exciting, unpredictable game. And even though their chances of winning did not increase no matter how often they played it, even though it is just a matter of luck as soon as you spin the wheel, they would feel so proud and happy upon their victory. And of course they did, because winning a game is fun. And even though they disputed this many times (“I’m just better than you mom!”), there is no relationship with skill whatsoever.

The second type of luck is skill-based luck like the ‘luck’ in games such as Risk or Monopoly. The luck you (can) actively create using your insights and skills in a smart way, like the buying and selling of streets and houses in Monopoly. This is skill-based luck you can influence. One major ingredient for skill-based luck is not a skill, however, but your attitude. It has been widely researched and documented, including in the medical world, that people with a positive mental attitude get more accomplished, attract more successful people, recover quicker from illnesses or from an unwise move in a game for that matter. One such specific example of a positive attitude is imagining how things could have been worse and not dwelling on ill fortune that comes your way, again, applicable to dealing with life’s events as with bad moves in all kinds of games. If you decide (because it is a decision, whether conscious or not, and often learned and shaped early in life by the role models and the kind of guidance we received) to take control of the situation, to re-shape your environment, to rethink your options, to re-design your goals and strategy, to re-define, re-assess, and appreciate what’s left and what new possibilities can do for you, you are in charge by the power of your attitude. It’s the attitude, the look on life, the approach you choose that influences everything else. Looking on the bright side of things and working through hardship, searching for ways to benefit from what is now inevitable sure isn’t always an easy task, fra from, but as soon as you start pitying yourself, focusing on the negatives and allowing yourself to be sucked into the victim role you’re doomed for depressed moods, hopelessness, and self-defeat which than sets in motion a halo-effect, negatively influencing your thinking, feeling, deciding, and what you aspire to accomplish.

So my advice for the weekend: Reflect on your attitude. Reflect on your attitude in good times and in difficult times.  In what way and in which situations is your atttitude of service to you? Where do you see opportunity for change and growth, and what is it that you need to get there?

Good luck. The attitude-based luck that is!

Getting out of the box - Questions and Curiosity

                                                                                           

It might be counter-intuitive in the “I need to be the expert” rat race and with the belief that we have to be all–knowing, whatever the job or position we hold. However, I belief a good starting point for any conversation with yourself and with others to be: “I don’t know, let’s find out, explore, and then act wisely” unless, of course, you are certain of things.

If you are a regular reader of my blog you know I value the art and skill of questioning. Not because I would have loved to be an investigator of any kind nor because I take to philosophy, which I do. The true reason is that I see too many dead-end thinking processes. I witness too many conversations clogged with preconceptions, prejudices, assumptions, and unshakable beliefs that leave no room for different beliefs or perspectives. And I see too many ego-driven conversations with little or no meaningful focus on the other person, whether it be a client, superior, subordinate, or loved one. I believe all this to be dangerous in life, in business, in personal development, in politics – you name it.

So my question to you today is: Can you ever ask enough questions? Not easily, is my opinion, and I am not just speaking from a customer-focus point of view where you are trying to gain relevant information about customers or prospects. I mean in general. I therefore suggest we spend more time freeing the mind of preconceptions, prejudices and assumptions by asking more questions, almost like children do:

-What makes it so?

- Why not?                         

- How so?

- Why not the opposite?

- How do you know?

- Where to?

These and similar questions decrease the chances you stay locked up in possibly old beliefs that used to have value but, in a changing world, have lost most of their power. These questions decrease the chance you constrain yourself to the limitations of the “preconception straight-jacket”. These questions decrease the chance that you are perceived (and worse, operate as) a quick-fix shallow person with an inflated ego.

Some of the questions I suggest you contemplate

1.       What moves me?

2.       Where am I heading?

3.       Who moved me today?

4.       What are three different perspectives to use on this issue?

5.       Who did I move and inspire this week?

6.       What have I upset today, what did I stir up?

7.       What would I do if I weren’t afraid?

8.       What risks do I take?

9.       Where can others find my imprints?

10.   What do I want to see when I look back 10 years from now?

Asking relentless questions, asking thought-enhancing questions, that’s what broadens your perspective, that’s what makes you focus on others, that’s what helps you look inside, that’s what makes you take advantage of multiple perspectives, that’s what facilitates charting new territory, and that’s what enables creative problem-solving.

True, many questions don’t have definite answers, but that’s perfectly okay, better get used to it. It’s not always (or often not) about finding the right answers, it’s about asking the right questions and the process of re-examining and re-thinking that it fuels.

Bouillabaisse For Personal Effectiveness

Bouillabaisse is a traditional Provençal fish stew originating from the port city of Marseille , France. This delicious dish is a seafood soup made with various kinds of cooked fish, shellfish and vegetables, flavored with a variety of herbs and spices.

There is also a bouillabaisse for personal effectiveness, which, with the right ingredients and flavoring can assist you on your life long journey of personal growth and development. These are the must have ingredients. A list you can supplement and spice according to your taste – according to your station in life and your personal needs.

The basic ingredients for the bouillabaisse of personal effectiveness:

-       100 % Awareness of yourself (such as your beliefs, your strengths and weaknesses, your feelings and responses), awareness of others, and awareness of your environment. Without it there is little (self) knowledge, understanding, connection, and influence.

-       Ripe values that guide you in good and in difficult times and that show others what you stand for. Your values influence every decision and how you came to this decision. Your values are the essence of who you are. They help you choose a career, an organization, a partner, and much more. And if they do not, you will end up unfulfilled, disappointed, ever searching, or any other type of imbalance.  

-       A strong sense of purpose so that you and others know where you are heading and why. People seek purpose and people gladly join and follow someone who lives and acts with a clear and communicated purpose. A purpose statement defines your vision (where you want to go), your mission (what you do), and your strategy (how you get there, how you do it).

-       A healthy appetite for humor and play: laughing about yourself and laughing with others releases tension, puts things into perspective and is a fun thing to do. Laughter is a strong medicine for mind and for body and therefore another necessary ingredient for the bouillabaisse of personal effectiveness. And besides, laughter is known to lower blood pressure, reduce certain stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, it increases memory and learning, and it improves alertness, creativity, and memory just to mention a few health benefits of laughter.

Ready for your delicious bouillabaisse of personal effectiveness? It all sounds so easy but let’s put you through a test: Can you list your beliefs, values, purpose and the amount of time spent laughing, all without much thought and in 2 minutes? If not, you might want to explore and work on these ingredients because you should not have to think about them or have difficulty formulating them.

Enjoy the soup, but more so, the process, the journey, the cooking.

From The World Book of Happiness

Post number 100. I decided to make this a positive and happy one. The World Book of Happiness was my inspiration for this post.

Findings and food for thought from about one hundred experts in Positive Psychology, that’s the World Book of Happiness. More than just positive talk, these researchers from Germany, South-Africa, China, the U.S., France, Austria, Iceland, Australia, and many more countries share insights based on world-wide scientific research.  Knowledge about the role of family, money, genetics, free will, health, stress, future perspectives and about happiness for individuals, groups, and countries is shared in this wonderfully compiled work by Leo Bormans.

I’m just passing the stick, passing a tiny piece of happiness wisdom here.

Dr. Jose de Jesus Garcia Vega, university of Monterey, Mexico

Ignorance is the biggest obstacle on the path to happiness. There are many small and big ideas and methods to live a happier live, and many of them work well. Knowing is the first step, consistently applying them is the second step. It’s amazing how many people work hard, their whole lives, trying to be successful, totally forgetting to live happily. Later in life they spend a lot of money on trying to fix their health, their relationships, their family.

Do you recognize yourself or loved ones?
 

Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky, experimental social psychologist, University of California

Studies with identical and fraternal twins show that every person is born with an innate ‘set value of happiness’. That is the baseline or potential for happiness to which you always return, even after heavy setbacks or fantastic triumphs. You could compare this with the set value for weight. Some people effortlessly stay at the same weight while others have to work real hard at it, because their set value for weight is much higher. Does this mean we’re doomed as far as level of happiness is concerned? It’s not, says Lyubomirsky. Her controlled intervention research shows that people’s happiness can be increased and sustained through permanent changes and actions. Some of the deal makers are:

-          Creating a feeling of connection with your goals.
-          Avoiding excessive worrying about little things.
-          Investing in relationships.
-          Learning to forgive.
-          Enjoying small things.
-          Appreciating what you have.

Nothing much new, but how well do you score on these, how much time do you invest in these areas?

Professor Michael Hagerty, computer sciences and psychology, University of California

You can increase your happiness by consistently

-          Learning the art of forgiving to prevent being eaten by bitterness.
-          Healthy optimism that helps you persevere.
-          Setting goals that make you proud.
-          Daily meditations to get to know yourself better.

My experience taught me that for most people the hard part is in the ‘consistently’.

Dr. Vahid Sari-Saraf, Tabriz University of Iran, physiologist

Dr. Vahid Sari-Saraf researches the immune system of happy people and discovered the secret power of sports. Research with Iranian students has shown that athletes have a more extraverted personality and are happier than non athletes. Within the group of non athletes there is also a strong correlation between extraversion and happiness. Playing the right kind of sports for you on a regular basis can be a pleasant and social activity and stimulate happiness.

Another good remedy: laughing. An old saying in Iran says:  A laugh heals all pains.

How is your level of physical activity? How about laughing? Remember, a baby smiles around 400 times a day, and many adults don’t even make it to 20.

Hamba Kahle!

(Zulu for Good Luck)