Do you … really?

Do you speak out, when no one else does?

Do you really?

Do you lead, even when no one is following?

Do you really?

Do you give without expecting to get in return?

Do you really?

Do you know when you are deceiving yourself?

Do you really?

Do you put honesty above your need to be liked?

Do you really?

Do you listen to inconvenient, dissenting opinions?

Do you really?

Do you work hard to deliver results when making excuses is easier? 
Do you really?

Do you really admit fault, which is different from a ‘show-time apology’?
Do you really?

I sure don't always do these things – there is plenty of room for improvement.

A Positive Mindset Made Practical

According to the well-respected Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, positive thinkers enjoy:

- Less stress
- A longer life span
- Lower rates of depression
- Increased resistance to the common cold
- Better stress management and coping skills
- Lower risk of cardiovascular disease-related death
- Increased physical well-being and better psychological health

There are many renowned educational institutions such as UCLA - the University of California, Los Angeles, that extensively research the dynamics and the benefits involved in a positive mindset but it also just makes so much sense: a positive outlook on life and positive thinking patterns do you much more good than the negative counterpart.

I have presented on the power of mindset for government agencies, large financial institutions, energy companies, and many more organizations in Minnesota. My audience especially appreciates the practical tips for positive thinking. So here we go:

•       Pay attention to your inner monologue and correct negative self-talk such as “This is a disaster”. Some things really are a disaster, but most are not. Of course everyone has their own standards, but be sure not to exaggerate the negative while you neglect the positive and talk yourself down. Another example is “I can’t do this.” It’s much more productive to ask yourself “What is it that I need to learn to improve?" or "What is it that I need from others to master this?” Invest in recognizing self-sabotaging and self-deceiving thoughts and behaviors and stress-test and adjust them.

•       Focus on living in the here-and-now and appreciating the present moment. Most of us score pretty low when it comes to living and appreciating the moment right now. We spend a lot of time regretting the past and fretting about the future, which is mostly a waste of time and energy. Mindfulness based stress reduction training and other awareness training programs help you live more in the moment without neglecting the past or the future. And they prove to have positive effects on sleeping problems, attention spans, and eating disorders according to research by UCLA, the University of Minnesota, and many other research institutions.

•       Focus on what is working (and celebrate success) rather than on what is not working or what might possibly not work in the future. Focus on solutions rather than problems.

•       When dealing with a problem or worry, especially when your 'worry cognitions' seem to take full control of your head and heart, you want to do a reality check: How much will this honestly matter in a few hours, next week, next month, and a year from now?

•       Practice a positive explanatory style, which is a positive way of explaining events in your life: Optimists explain positive events as having happened because of them and they see them as evidence that more positive things will happen in the future and in other areas of their lives. Conversely, they see negative events as not just being their fault. The latter can pose a danger, of course, because you do need to see your own role in negative events and hold yourself accountable. The idea is to see negative events as isolated events that have nothing to do with other areas of your life or future events. Unless they clearly do, of course, in which case we’re talking a totally different situation.

•       Do a reality check with someone you trust to be candid and enlist their help for feedback. I’m talking candid feedback on your mindset and on your thinking style. Actively seek out perspectives that are significantly different from yours.

•       Open yourself up to humor and laughter, especially about your own idiosyncrasies.

•       Write down worry-thoughts and set aside a time to think about them. Don’t allow them to interfere at any time of the day and with everything you do.

•       We all know it but do you act on it: when you eat, sleep, and exercise well, you feel better and are healthier, more positive, and more successful. Proper nutrition keeps your mind sharp and your brain healthy. It helps you stay alert and handle pressures and stress from your everyday life. In 2012, at the yearly meeting of the Society for Neuroscience, scientists were able to associate the foods people eat to how and what they think.

•       Practice gratitude daily. There is increasing interest and research into the benefits of gratitude. One of the findings tells us that a five-minute daily gratitude journal can increase your long-term well-being by more than 10 percent. That’s 2.5x the impact of winning $1,000,000 in the lottery! How does a free five-minute activity do what $1,000,000 can’t? Gratitude improves your health, relationships, emotions, and career. Even though the money is pretty awesome, the principle of hedonic adaptation assures that we quickly get used to the extra money and we stop having as much fun and happiness as we did when we first received it.

•       Notice when you’re complaining. Limit it. Distract yourself with something positive that is realistic and convincing. Really take time for things you enjoy.

•       Be mindful and smart about who you invite to the front rows of your theater: surround yourself with positive people as much as possible.

We all know that above suggestions are easier said than done. Not every technique leads to success in every situation. Choose a few techniques that you can practice every day and choose specific techniques that fit the situation you are facing.

https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_gratitude_changes_you_and_your_brain

https://www.forbes.com/sites/amymorin/2014/11/23/7-scientifically-proven-benefits-of-gratitude-that-will-motivate-you-to-give-thanks-year-round/#2926963e183c

Questions you need to ask as a leader

Leading yourself, leading others, and leading change are the three main responsibilities of any leader. Easier said than done, of course. For you to be successful in these areas you need quite a few ingredients. Industry savvy, emotional intelligence, strategic thinking, influencing skills, courage, credibility, accountability, resilience…. I could go on for quite some time. 

A different way of looking at successful leadership is to formulate questions that a leader should ask. Eleven examples out of the many great questions are:

1 How can I help my staff be more successful?
2 How can I and we best serve our clients and stakeholders?
3 What am I typically allergic to and how can I grow in these areas?
4 Who should I surround myself with to compensate my own weaknesses? 
5 How can I more successfully stress-test my assumptions and my decisions? 
6 How can I help myself / staff more successfully embrace ambiguity, change?
7 How can I ensure all ideas are heard, that the best ideas are coming forward?
8 What would my people say about me if they felt totally free to speak? 
9 What may I be regularly missing, misperceiving, exaggerating, forcing? 
10 What is my leadership philosophy and have I shared it with my people?
11 How will my ideas and proposed changes impact the organization's culture?

Questions can help develop people, re-frame issues, re-direct energy and attention, acknowledge and encourage people, and open long closed blinds. 
Any questions that you wish to add? 

Reflection Time

Most of the leaders that I coach are busy. That's a fact. They are real busy meeting, strategizing, traveling, implementing, overseeing, guiding... The occasional client reflects regularly yet that's the exception. The majority of the leaders I work with tell me there’s not much time to reflect (read: no time at all). And that’s a lousy excuse for not reserving time to do what really improves your professional effectiveness, your EQ, and your wellbeing and that of your staff. Below you find some of the reflection questions my clients have found helpful. And let’s say it as it is: we all take showers, we all wait in line, we all drive or ride public transportation, and we all have many other moments that we can use for reflection if we really want to: 

- What matters most to me? Is that what I spend most of my time on?

- Which values guide me? Do my actions really show this? Do my people know?

- Who have I influenced lately? Today? How is this benefiting them?

- What two ‘things’ inspire and energize me most? How do I grow from this?

- What do I hate when people say this about me? May there be truth in this?

- How focused and present in the here-and-now was I really today?

- What do I tend to deceive myself about? What purpose is this serving?

- What two ‘things’ create stress for me? How may I be creating this myself?

- What am I known for, what is my reputation, how do others describe me?

- What do I better let go off to solidify this position or obtain the next one?

- What are people likely to say about me at the water cooler?

- What do I wish to preserve and take with me regardless where I go?

- What is wise to add to my bag of tools and why haven’t I done this yet?

The most effective ‘reflectionists’ reflect regularly, with input from others who are candid with them, and they follow it up with specific actions to adjust and improve.

Who’s afraid of conflict?

Unresolved conflict represents the largest reducible cost in many businesses. Yet, in many organizations, conflict remains largely unrecognized and un-dealt with. At the same time, too many people do not realize that tension and conflict, if you can prevent intense emotions and animosity, carry the seeds of new perspectives, innovative thinking, and better decisions.

Why are we so afraid of conflict and so unsuccessful or clumsy at best at dealing with conflict? Upbringing, personality, societal norms, organizational culture – I’m sure we can blame them all. But rather than wasting time defining, over-analyzing, and psychologizing the world of interpersonal conflicts, I prefer to focus on practical tips: how to prevent unnecessary conflicts from arising and how to benefit from the conflicts that are part of life. Once you know ways to effectively deal with conflicts, there is no need to be afraid of them. Here are 15 tips:

1. Be aware: Often your assumptions about others' intentions are wrong. Check them. Ask clarifying questions and, the hard part, really listen to the responses. 
2. Basic yet often neglected: Ensure everyone agrees on what the problem exactly is.
3. Focus less on position and more on the underlying interest behind the position. 
4. Know that every behavior serves a purpose, regardless of whether this purpose is shared and whether the behavior is deemed acceptable by all involved. 
5. Step back and ask: What am I/what is (s)he trying to protect/avoid/accomplish? 
6. Be the first one to verbalize commitment to resolving the conflict. 
7. Be aware in the present moment: Pay attention to emotions and dynamics. 
8. Analyze and manage expectations on both sides. 
9. Be ready to be wrong. If you are, admit it graciously without undermining yourself. 
10. De-escalate by eliminating exaggerations, premature conclusions, and condemnations - instead ask questions, listen, and tell your version respectfully.
11. Do not confuse assertive communication with aggressive communication. 
12. State things openly and directly rather than implying them indirectly. 
13. Filter out unproductive feedback. Ignore it and focus on relevant content.
14. Focus on common ground while exploring differences with genuine respect. 
15. Ask yourself which of the many thinking distortions might be hindering you: fanatic perfectionism, disaster thinking, low frustration tolerance, wishes-turned-demands, needing-to-be-liked addiction, the blame game, generalizing, taking things personal, black-and-white thinking, exaggerating the negative…

Seeking self-interest at the expense of others and clashing wants, needs, and expectations will lead to conflict. Conflict develops where people’s lives, jobs, children, pride, ego, and sense of purpose is at play. Don’t obsess with keeping everything even-keeled, nice, and smooth. Instead focus on candor, respect, and mutual understanding. Learn to recognize and manage conflict by using conflict as an opportunity to gain new perspectives and make better decisions.

Applauding those who doubt themselves

It is often said that confidence separates average leaders from great leaders. That leaders without confidence lose the trust and respect of the people they lead. Of course we want teachers, surgeons, business executive, accountants, drivers, police officers, and plant supervisors who are competent, who know what they’re doing, and who know how to convincingly convey this. I also believe that a crucial element of competence is the ability to doubt yourself – to doubt your assumptions, practices, observations, conclusions, and style.

Self-doubt, when present in moderation, opens the door to unlikely approaches, to fresh perspectives, and to a deeper understanding of people who think and behave differently from how you do. It also decreases the risk of something we people are terribly good at: self-deception. If that isn’t a huge win?

When you look for definitions of doubt, you’ll find the following: to be undecided or skeptical about something, to tend to disbelieve, and to regard as unlikely.
 As a noun, doubt is defined as a lack of certainty or as a lack of trust and a point about which one is uncertain or skeptical. The definition of self-doubt: A lack of faith or confidence in oneself. That does not sound very attractive, I know.

And still, I wish to applaud those who doubt themselves.

Not because I worry about ego problems of the confident or the thin line between confidence and arrogance (which I do worry about, but that’s a different topic). Not because I have difficulty relating to confident, strong-willed, decisive people. I actually like them a lot and at the same time, they worry me, because here is what I believe to be the obvious catch: The more confident you and I are, the less likely we are to actively seek out different approaches, explanations, and styles. The more confident you are, the greater the chance that you’ll overlook and disregard viable alternative and opposing options. Options that might benefit you, your project, your team, your organization, and your clients. Options that you may still not choose, but that will help you understand someone else’s point of view or approach better and therefore strengthen relationships, collaboration, your influence, and your decisions.

There is research claiming that executives who underestimate themselves perform more highly than those who overestimate themselves. I think the ability to self-doubt and second-guess is part of that dynamic. Again, there are professions and situations where decisions have to be taken promptly and decisively and they need to be communicated confidently, especially in times of crisis. But even then, people who aren’t convinced that they know all the answers, look harder for them, they look in different places, they look with much more of an open-mind, and they are more receptive to new and possibly better perspectives.

People who aren’t obsessed with portraying confidence, with knowing it all, and with being the best, gather strong people around them. They don’t feel threatened by people who are smarter and more skilled than they are. And that takes a different kind of confidence, the one I’d like you to feel and display in abundance.

Successful Coaching? Awareness, Urgency, Willingness!

During a conversation with a new client, I addressed the importance of three ingredients to be present before embarking on a coaching endeavor. My client was all ears and appreciated this insight into what increases the chances of success for a coaching project. Too many managers and other buyers of coaching and training services take too little time to consider these three ingredients, and sadly, some of them don’t take accountability for their own role in establishing those three foundations. So what are they?

1. Awareness

There needs to be sufficient awareness of areas that need improvement. Everyone knows this, right! However, I have conducted too many assessment sessions with coaching clients where the person was only minimally aware of what their boss or HR professional had told me they needed to improve. Now, regardless of who is right (if any one person ever is) something has gone wrong in the communication and feedback, and the coaching is off to a delayed or weak start, leaving me to work on the feedback-culture, candor, and accountability within the team or company. Thanks to the founders of gestalt psychology and, later, to Daniel Goleman, the concepts of self-awareness and self-management have gained the attention that is required for people and teams to be collaborative and adaptable. 

2. Urgency

Awareness alone doesn’t necessarily lead to a person’s motivation to learn and change her/his way of thinking and acting. For that leap to happen, the person needs to feel a sense of urgency. I am not talking about the boss’s sense of urgency but urgency within the person who is receiving the coaching. People are set in their ways, habits are strong and stubborn (read “The Power of Habit” by Charles Duhigg), our brains tend to be lazy and focused on short cuts and preservation, and self-denial is an attractive alternative to facing unpleasant truths, being out of your comfort zone, and having to do the hard stuff. Conclusion: Urgency because of what’s at stake and urgency born out of the (projected) loss and pain if you do nothing, is a crucial part of what motivates you to truly invest in learning and showing yourself vulnerable.

3. Willingness

Even with awareness and urgency in place, I have encountered enough people in my practice who did not show a willingness (or not initially) to work on whatever they were aware was lacking, even if they new something had to happen now. Rather than look inward and decide to learn and grow, they choose to blame others or circumstances, take the victim role, and complain when things turn sour. I am happy to say that most people I have encountered in my 28 years in the field of learning and development and change consultation only needed candor and directness from someone who professionally cared and who was capable of explaining dynamics. This was usually enough to add the remaining ingredient of willingness into the stew of cognitive and behavior change.

So, please remember, if you wish someone (or yourself) to be ready for significant growth and sustainable change, you need buy in and ownership, and for that, awareness, urgency, and willingness are crucial ingredients. If you manage people, your leadership, communication, and caring candor play a lead role in this scenario.