Listening ‘poem’

Fair or not, I blame my aging brain and my very busy life for not knowing where I first laid eyes on this 'Listening Poem' as I call it. I wished I could do honor to the author, so tell me if you know the origin. 

I have written about listening before - about the power of real listening and about the under-estimation and the difficulty of listening. Of real listening. Which is distinctly different from being quiet, as we all know. But lets be honest, knowing and doing are often two very different things. 

Most of us, myself included, are poor listeners, most of the time. To complicate the matter, there are different purposes and thus different kinds of listening. Just to name two: if you wish to understand, you listen with your questions, and if you wish to demonstrate your listening, you let your actions show it. How much and how well do you listen and do you distinguish between the different forms of listening? 

Below poem takes home the point so clearly, I'll let it speak for itself.  

When I ask you to listen to me

And you start giving me advice

You did not do what I asked you to do.

When I ask you to listen to me

And you start explaining

Why I feel the way that I do

You did not do what I asked you to do.

When I ask you to listen to me

And you tell me why I am wrong

You, again, did not do what I asked you to do.

When I ask you to listen to me

And you respond with your own experience

Then you’re preoccupied with yourself, and not with me

When I ask you to listen to me

And you feel obliged to do something to solve my problem

Then you don’t give me what I asked for and what I need.

How strange it may seem

But when you simply accept that I feel what I feel

That I ask time and attention for my story

No matter my feelings and the story

And apart from what you could say about this story and my feelings

Then I can quit trying to persuade you

                                                 And simply tell my story. 

Lao Tzu’s Take On Accountability

A great nation is like a great man

When he makes a mistake, he realizes it.

Having realized it, he admits it.

Having admitted it, he corrects it.

He considers those who point out his faults

As his most benevolent teachers.

He thinks of his enemy

As the shadow that he himself casts.

This is Lao Tzu's take on accountability. What's yours?

Every excuse we ever make, makes perfect sense to us, right? And if it doesn’t, we create a theory that we fit (or force) into our logic, and preferably the logic of others.

Call it self-deception, call it cowardice, call it a lack of accountability – it doesn’t’ really matter all that much what you call it. It is a sad situation how much we are trained, from a very early age, to find the perfect answer to the question, to find that one solution to the problem, to strive for perfection. We seem conditioned to avoid mistakes and ownership.

But without ownership, there is little growth, little trust, little collaboration, little progress, and usually poor business results. Without the self-confidence, humility, and guts to take some chances and own up to mistakes there will be little trust, little accountability, little progress and even little pizazz. 

How can you move from your comfort zone to your courage zone?

Conspiracies of Silence

If you seal your lips when you really should be speaking out, 

If you don’t address the problem that everyone knows about,

If you notice failure but don’t acknowledge it,

If you let difficult truths remain unspoken,

If blind spots and self-deception go unchallenged,

If you allow yourself and others to ignore, suppress and distort information,

You may feel safe,

You may be able to avoid risk,

You may do as everyone is doing,

You may perceive communication to be constructive …

… but …

You

Know

Better

Whatever rational or irrational fears keep you from having candid conversations, a few things are certain. Dead certain:

à Problems that are not acknowledged do not get better on their own.

à Truths that are not spoken have an impact. The wrong kind.

à Critical information that is left out of the equation still adds up. To the wrong sum.

à Failing to elicit, hear, and act on critical feedback puts everyone and everything at risk.

à Organizational secrets distort information, practices, and relationships.

à An absence of courage and candid conversations jeopardizes you, your family, your team, and your organization.

  

Don’t be a conspirator to silence. Don’t contribute to destruction of transparency, creativity, effectiveness, and true respect. The most positive, contagious, and productive state of mind is candor filled with compassion and humility. Yes, they do go together. Very well. 

What if - Beyond the Box

What if you’d stop proving how smart you are

and start listening?

What if you’d stop commanding

and start asking questions?

What if you’d stop tripping over your ego

and start a journey of humility?

What if you’d stop the self-absorption train

and start focusing on others?

What if you’d stop controlling

and start letting go?

What if you’d stop worrying about ‘leadership presence’

and start working on ‘being present’?

Many teachers dislike the ‘what if…’ questions that students love to ask.

Our son has numerous stories about frustrations of teachers dealing with the never-ending stream of ‘what ifs’.

But it’s not all about stalling and distracting. And even if it were, shouldn’t we be stimulating youngsters to think beyond the framework they are handed - to think beyond the box? Shouldn’t we encourage independent, critical, out of the ordinary thinking?

What if a student would answer a question on a test with a much better question instead of providing the ‘correct’ answer?

What if we’d ‘what if’ each other regularly? In business settings and beyond.

Fire Your Fear For Criticism

No-one ever had ‘criticism’ listed as their cause of death. No-one is immune to the human tendency to avoid negativity. No-one can deny having ever dreaded and feared that which makes them feel uncomfortable. When criticism comes your way, when your ideas are questioned, you can start with the following three steps:

a.   De-personalize the criticism and detach yourself emotionally

When stakes and visibility are high and when you’re passionate about a proposal, approach or project, it is highly likely that you act human – that is with an almost instinctive, defensive gut reaction. This is generally not productive. To take in criticism without allowing it to overwhelm and crush you, don’t turn to the person handing out the criticism but turn to yourself. Turn to your own assumptions, interpretations and judgments about criticism and stop speculating about the motives behind the criticism. De-personalize the feedback by looking at it as an outsider would. Rather than seeing it as a personal attack, see it as a piece of information that can enrich your thinking and improve your performance.

b.   Distinguish between productive and unproductive feedback

Some feedback is simply not worth your time. The criticism might be too detailed, lack relevance, it might be untimely, or based on incorrect information. In these cases, don’t waste your time and energy rebutting or fighting the criticism or getting all worked up about it. However! I wish to interject a big “However”: Be truthful and accountable for how you judge the relevance of criticism and avoid hiding behind excuses. Is the criticism really too detailed, untimely, off-focus or is that merely your way of ducking for unpleasant perspectives, feelings and possible consequences?

c.    Consult with people you trust

Criticism that is meant to be productive and that appears to be genuine deserves your attention. Be sure to be curious, to ask clarifying questions, and to invite candor and directness. Research and evaluate the criticism as if it were a business problem. Discuss the criticism with trusted people within or outside your department or organization. If you really wish to be a life-long learner I suggest you make it a habit to consult with people who don’t look, think and act like you do. Seek out people who dare to disagree with you, who care enough to be clear and direct, and who truly add a different perspective.

The bottom line

If you conclude that the criticism has merit, use it as a trigger to help you adapt and grow as a person and within your role. Criticism is a perspective, criticism is information. Information that can help you uncover blind spots. Criticism is information that can help close the gap between your intentions and the effects you create. Criticism is information that can fill in the gaps  between how you think you are being perceived and how you are really perceived. The better you know yourself and the effects you have on others and on the business, the more you will learn, grow and add value.

Toss out toxic criticism, fire your fear for critique, and get going with the ever-lasting game of growing.