Want to get better at handling tough conversations?

Early January I had the honor and pleasure to be back at the webcast studio of Minnesota Continuing Legal Education in downtown Minneapolis. This time I was asked to speak about "The How of Tough Conversations". 

I will share seven elements of this presentation that should strengthen your confidence, insight, and skill in handling a variety of tough conversations. Regardless of the exact nature of your conversation or circumstances, many tough conversations are unpredictable, emotional, and draining. Therefore:  

1. Schedule your conversation early in the day, if you have any control over the timing, to feel as fresh, sharp, and positive as you can. Since we all have a limited amount of mental energy (and thus limited self-control) make sure not to have to exert unnecessary self-control on things that you can do after your conversation or that don't need to be addressed at all! You want to keep sufficient reserves of mental energy for your difficult conversation. 

2. Prepare yourself physically:

- Deep breathing: 6 of them (about 55 seconds!) will already slow down your heart rate and provide your body with the necessary oxygen, including your brain and it's amygdalae (your fear center, involved in processing emotional memory and responding to stressful situations) and your prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision making, personality expression, and moderating social behavior).

- Power posing: a great source to learn about the positive effects of power posing is a TED talk by social psychologist Amy Cuddy, but in brief, if you perform power poses your dominance hormone testosterone goes up and your stress hormone cortisol goes down.

3. Reflect on your fears, needs, assumptions, and thinking flaws that may be at play in this situation. For example: you fear that you won’t be able to contain your frustration, you may be driven by the need to always appear in control, your assumption about the person could be that she’s driven by a wish to outsmart you and your most prominent thinking flaws are drawing premature conclusions and taking things too personal. A great resource on examining and correcting assumptions and thinking distortions is “How to Keep People from Pushing your Buttons” by one of my 'mentors' Albert Ellis. 

4. Know your expectations and make sure they are realistic. Check your partner’s expectations and how he perceives yours. Only if you ask questions about expectations and goals is it possible to align. 

5. Increase your awareness during the conversation: what do you sense in your body (tensing of shoulder muscles?) and which emotions are developing (anxiety)? Emotions provide valuable information to evaluate and guide your thinking and acting. Also use heightened awareness to understand what your conversation partner may be experiencing in the here-and-now. However check your assumptions about the person and delay your judgments – you’ll do yourself and the relationship a great favor.

6. Ask more and better questions. Not questions to prove your point, but questions to understand the person better. Then listen and observe attentively. Remember, most of us are lousy listeners because we allow our own needs, fears and thinking flaws to dominate and we too easily give free reign to internal and external distractions. Hence the importance of awareness in the here-and-now. 

7. Distinguish between the content of a conversation and the relationship or process aspects of that conversation. A great article on this topic is:  https://hbr.org/2016/01/defusing-an-emotionally-charged-conversation-with-a-colleague

Practice makes progress, so use these tips in your next tough conversation!  

Book Review “The Ten Golden Rules of Leadership”

Book Review “The Ten Golden Rules of Leadership”

Classical wisdom for modern leaders by Michael A. Soupios

Michael Soupios applies thoughts and practices from Greek philosophers to the field of leadership. I want to share eight of his ten rules - they are easy to write about yet challenging to live by when the going gets tough. May they invite you to reflect on and question as well as fine-tune your own leadership practices.

‘Know Thyself’ – Thales

Self-comprehension is a fundamental precondition for effective leadership, but you first have to overcome three hurdles:

1.    Society’s distractions that keep you from meaningful self-inquiry.

2.    Self-defense tendencies such as obscuring, distorting, and fictionalizing on behalf of a fabricated reality that fits your needs.

3.    Your tendency to seek out a maximum of pleasure (hedonistic principle), so why would you engage in painful and candid self-exploration and self-confrontation?

When your self-assurance becomes rash presumption, you turn from a valuable asset to a dangerous liability. If you take success for granted because of earlier success, complacency will follow. Success requires continuous effort and humility that acknowledges the possibility of defeat.

Office shows the person – Pittacus

The investment of power and authority in a person rapidly reveals their inner qualities. Power will reflect what no resume does: the person’s psychological disposition. Misuse of power can be a psychological deficiency: Power becomes a compensatory asset - a defense mechanism to counterbalance feelings of inadequacy and vulnerability. The abusive application of power (the need to control and dominate) becomes a way to attain a sense of security and confidence. Of the many potential shortcomings a leader can bring to an organization, arbitrary application of power is lethal: Criticizing, micromanaging, second-guessing, or bullying others creates a toxic and unproductive environment where people watch their backs and avoid risks.

Nurture community in the workplace – Plato

Community development and positive group sentiment are virtues that leaders must nurture by providing the right support and incentives. For this to happen, leaders have to conquer three obstacles and help their staff do the same: “Individualism” (I before We), a lack of willingness to critically self-assess and the myth of the lone, maverick, self-made genius.

Do not waste energy on things you cannot change – Aristophanes

Leaders must assume a posture of flexible response: Quick to take advantage of new opportunities and quick to discard practices that offer little prospect of benefit. Honest failure should be forgiven but intentional and hypocritical refusal to own up is very harmful. A leader’s capability to disregard a failing project and act accountable for failure is a reflection of his ego status and character. Do you have the confidence and courage to acknowledge your limitations and misjudgments?

Always embrace the truth – Antisthenes

Effective leaders embrace the truth, in every situation. They encourage candid criticism throughout the organization, they are skeptical of flattering appraisals, and they don’t allow authority to stand between them and the truth. According to Antisthenes there are only two people who will tell you the truth about yourself: An enemy who lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly. Sadly, organizations are rarely inclined to examine their own premises. Instead they want employees to endorse the prevailing system of beliefs. Challenging a leader’s decisions is uncommon but you need to ask yourself: “What do I gain with yes-men who passively accept my predigested views?” I invite you to be among the few who have the maturity and emotional security to invite and accept criticism and dissenting views.

Let competition reveal talent – Hesiod

Knowledgeable employees can be hired yet bringing out their talent and aligning talent with organizational interests requires an environment that allows staff to compete with each other in a constructive way. Leaders want to select individuals in whom contest is likely to generate high levels of enthusiasm and creativity.

Live life by a higher code – Aristotle

Aristotle believed that leaders with high moral standards lead an unusually principled life with a dutiful commitment to personal virtue. Leaders need to earn the trust of their followers for everyone to thrive. This trust doesn’t happen by accident. You earn it not through the power and authority that was assigned to you but through your character and your personal conduct: You invite and value contrarians and don’t hold grudges. You assist those who are in need and don’t ask or expect something in return while remaining calm in the face of crisis.

Always evaluate information with a critical eye – the Skeptics

When you assess information please remember: What was conventional wisdom only yesterday may no longer be valid today. You must consider the circumstances that shaped the information and critically examine the means by which it is conveyed. You want to watch for hidden agendas or political objectives and suspend judgment. Make sure to develop a critical mindset that accepts nothing at face value. 

Lets close with Socrates: “The unexamined life is not worth living”.

Tackling Change Management Negativity

Change can be hard on people for many different reasons. To mention only a few: many people dislike the uncertainty that comes with change, they do not wish to let go off what they had and know, and they fear loss of status and competency. When preparing for and implementing change, leaders should be prepared for negativity from employees. Here are some tips to reframe, discuss, and redirect negativity in a constructive manner:

1.    Make sure to provide sufficient, timely, repeated, and clear information to decrease the chance of unnecessary uncertainty and confusion.

2.    Take time to address negativity one-on-one and face-to-face rather than sending an email. It’s the interaction during which you gain the best insight into what is bothering this particular person and therefore:

3.    Don’t assume you know the reason for the negativity. Refrain from premature conclusions and quick judgments. Ask questions to dive deeper into the thoughts and fears of the person.

4.    Avoid the trap of taking negativity personal. It’s simply tempting for employees to direct their fears and negativity towards a person, which can be their own manager or top management. This may show itself as casting blame and finger pointing but remember, the negativity is almost always a rejection of the process and an expression of fear and loss of control. 

5.    Ask the person: What is it that you fear and what is it that you need?

6.    Inquire what the person expects and needs from you specifically.

7.    Agree on clear actions, timelines and a mutual understanding of how you will know whether the needs of the person are being met.

8.    Be candid and clear about needs that can't be met or you believe to be unrealistic. 

9.    If there are barriers to direct and honest communication, address them and take measures to prevent them in the future.

10.Make sure to appreciate the candor, vulnerability, and transparency during the conversation.

Yes, all of this requires your time, energy, and focus, which I know are in short supply. Yes it takes patience and perseverance to tackle negativity. But remember, you don’t want to take short-cuts to alleviate tensions superficially or temporarily. Whatever you don’t tackle now and with care will haunt you later, multiplied by built up emotions and by interpretations that have gone wild.

Lets close this post with 20^th century science philosopher Karl Popper:

“All life is problem solving”

Leaders, You don’t Just …

You don’t just need to know who you are and what you stand for,

You need to know how your values and actions are perceived by others.

You don’t just need to know the ‘why’ behind any organizational change,  

You need to know what (in) tangibles people are gaining and losing with the change.

           

You don’t just need to be a strong and determined leader who’s in control,

You need to know when to let others lead while taking a humble backseat yourself.

You don’t just need to be able to hold others accountable transparently and consistently,

You need to walk the talk, act accountable, and say “I made a mistake - I’m sorry.”

You don’t just need to have a ‘Leadership Philosophy’,

You need to show it in your decisions and actions, on a daily basis.

You don’t just need to continuously strengthen your Emotional Intelligence (EI),

You need to ask others to provide you with candid feedback and do an EI 360 assessment.

You don’t just need to take care of business and of people,

You need to take care of YOU first and last, in the right kind of way of course.

Key to it all: Mind the Gap and Bridge the Gap, whatever the gap is.

Recognition and engagement

Studies. Articles. Programs. We have plenty of it all on the topic, including very complicated ones. But recognition and engagement can be simple and easy. I’ll spare you the research and instead provide you with ideas to start or improve your recognition program. Apply the suggestions below and your employees will work more enthusiastically and effectively, their commitment, effort, quality, safety, absenteeism, and retention will improve, and as a result your customers will be more satisfied. I leave it up to your imagination what this can do to your growth and revenue.

Nine Recognition Premises

1.    People appreciate and need day-to-day recognition.

2.    People do not like to be taken for granted.

3.    People need to know how they add value and meaning.

4.    In many cultures, people crave individual credit.

5.    What motivates a person is a personal matter.

6.    You need to observe and listen to really learn about your employees.

7.    You want to measure and recognize what really matters.

8.    People need clear personal goals that are linked to organizational goals

9.    It is important to take cultural differences into account[1]

Nine Recognition Tools

1.    Practice common courtesy and respect, every day, with everyone.

2.    Find out what methods of appreciation appeal to your team members.

3.    Give meaningful feedback and acknowledge contributions openly.

4.    Encourage people to praise each other verbally or with notes.

5.    Provide professional and career development opportunities.

6.    Apply a performance-based rewards and recognition program.

7.    Develop a business excellence and a leadership award program.  

8.    Consider inventor recognition and a research achievers circle.

9.    Use employee engagement software that fits your industry and organization.

Final pitch

Acknowledge people in a way that is both meaningful and motivational, and do it on a regular basis, on the spot. Make it part of your leadership and enjoy the employee, customer, and organizational benefits.

---

[1] Two examples: Japan has a collectivist culture where workers generally don’t want to stand out from the group and in the Middle East managers are often viewed as teachers two name just two.

Who doesn’t …

Who doesn’t … want to be successful?

Who doesn’t … want others to act accountable?

Who doesn’t … want their team to function as a true team?

I like to share some nuggets from the workshop Holding Others Accountable that I attended, with all credits, of course, to the Accountability Training & Culture Change Company Partners in Leadership:

à Experiences create beliefs, beliefs influence actions, and actions produce results. Two good questions to ask in this context are:

1.    What experiences am I creating with my leadership?

2.    How often do I intervene at the crucial level of beliefs?

à If you want to succeed in holding others accountable, you need clear and agreed upon expectations and a continuous process to check in on the progress as opposed to a one-time check when the deadline has arrived.

à Holding others accountable starts with identifying a key expectation for each person. A key expectation is an expectation where you have decided that NOT delivering is NOT an option. Every key expectation, whether for yourself or others, needs to be framable, obtainable, repeatable, and measurable (similar to the SMART-approach to goals).

à Whatever it is you expect of someone, make sure to have a Why-What-When meeting, with a word of warning not to skip the WHY (see also Simon Sinek’s TED talk on the importance of the ‘why’: http://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action?language=en)

à Don’t just ask for buy-in from people. Let them rate on a scale from 1 to 10 how aligned they are with whatever key expectation you set. This way you allow for a more nuanced answer than just yes or no and you make it easier to voice concerns, since ‘7’ can be considered a reasonable score while it opens up the conversation about how to improve: “What would it take for you to move from a 7 to a 10?”

à If someone is NOT making the progress you expect and need them to make, have a LIFT Conversation:

Listen for obstacles

Identify obstacles the person can influence

Facilitate the Solve It Question

Test for movement towards the expectation

There was so much more to this workshop, and there is so much more to accountability. Another great resource on the topic is the book Question Behind the Question by John G. Miller.

I ask you again, Who Doesn’t …? Let me ask you another question: What is keeping you from holding yourself and from holding others accountable?