Question

“Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.”

This is one of my favorite quotes by French writer, historian, and philosopher Voltaire. 

This past Thursday and Friday, Stephanie McGovern and I facilitated the two-day course ‘Fundamentals of Organization Development’ at the University of Minnesota. We do this three times a year and I feel fortunate. Stephanie is a richly experienced, wonderfully vibrant OD connoisseur with a passion for organizational and human dynamics and a contagious laugh. My luck doesn’t stop here though. Our group of 27 participants from a variety of industries was awesome: eager, curious, reflective, and very fun to work with. 

In the context of using ‘self as instrument’ and maximizing the OD consultant’s emotional intelligence, we talked about the importance of non-judgmental curiosity. Two skills that are intertwined with this kind of curiosity are asking questions and deep listening. Attendees of our course asked for resources on asking great questions, so here are three books, 1 article, and my own sample of questions. The questions listed here can help you connect, dig deeper, gain understanding, question your assumptions, bridge gaps, and calm the waters. 

Article and books:

https://hbr.org/2010/02/learn-to-ask-better-questions,John Baldoni

The Art of Asking: Ask better Questions, get better Answers,Terry J. Fadem

Good Leaders Ask Great Question,John Maxwell

Asking Better Questions,Juliana Saxton

Before I give you a sampling of my favorite questions, please remember that our first and the most obvious questions are generally based on what we already know or think we know. They are based on assumptions that you may not have questioned and on interpretations that seem logical and true, to you. Different and better questions will help you explore issues in new ways. Below you find examples of questions that deepen your thought processes and those of others. Please share your favorite questions with me.

Am I/are we surrounding ourselves enough with people with diverse beliefs?

What elephant in the room could we be addressing at this very moment?

If we don’t change a thing, what will things look like next week, month?

How would things change if the opposite of what I believe were true?

How was I possibly involved even if I’m not causing the situation?

Am I listening to understand or am I listening to be understood?

What could be a completely different perspective on this issue?

What are different ways that I can be part of the conversation?

What might I have been neglecting or denying for some time?

Will what I am about to say or do help or harm the situation?

What could be dysfunctional that I am pretending to be fine?

What is something I should probably plan to do differently?

What may this person be fearing or trying to accomplish?

Are my assumptions valid?
If so, why?
If not, why not?


Am I showing up in critiquing or constructing mode?

What actions would I take if I were not afraid?

What is working and am I/are we utilizing it?

What if I am totally or partially wrong?

What is it that I’m holding on to?

How do I know that I am right?

How can I better support?

Am I protecting something?

Do I have enough data to freak out?

What influence may I/you not be using?

What are we afraid to admit and talk about?

What common ground may we be overlooking?

Is there anything we are not addressing right now?

What is in your way? What could move you forward?

What are we covering up for ourselves and for others?

I’d like to understand your worries, objectives, etc. better.

What truths may we not be telling each other around here?

What would be your suggestion for each of us to do differently?

What are the topics that are off limits in this team, organization?

How may things change if I/we flip the question or thought around?

Is this a good time for me to talk or should I invite someone to share?

What if I am missing, misinterpreting, over-emphasizing etc. something?

Would you have anything to add if you could speak your mind completely?

What style and person can counteract and complement my style right now?

What do you think I may be overlooking, exaggerating, misinterpreting etc.?

What would be your suggestion to improve our communication/collaboration?

Saving one of the best for last: 

How may I be in my own way right now with possible perfectionism, impatience, autobiographical listening, insecurity, or one of the many interpersonal allergies or cognitive biases that we all suffer from?

I wish you great questions for great conversations! As Einstein said: 

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”

Trust building, collaborative phrases for your conversations

We all have those conversations and collaborations that seem challenging because intentions are misunderstood, parties rush to judgment, styles are clashing, or objectives are misaligned. Other relationships are strong and secure yet you may still experience an unexpected twist in the conversation, one you didn't see coming. And there are situations in which trust and credibility are harmed and you have to move forward together. For any of these scenarios, whether in a group setting or a personal meeting, the following sentences, from Covey's Trust Action Cards, I find very helpful. Give them a well-intentioned try and add your own examples - there are many more.

You see things differently from me. I want to learn more about your perspective.

  

When you do this, the impact on me (the team, the client) is …

Let me make sure I understand what you are trying to say.  

What are you not saying that needs to be voiced?

I respect you and I want to be candid with you.

What is it you'd like to see me do differently?

I’d like to share what I have observed.

This is what I feel strongly about ...

What is the ‘undiscussable’ here?

  

Where and how can I get better?

I need to listen before I respond.

I want to acknowledge you for …

How can I make this right?

From my perspective …

We need your opinion.

I was wrong about …

I apologize for …

My intent is…

Advising clients in uncertain times

In June 2017 I had the pleasure to return to one of the many conferences for lawyers in the Twin Cities. Grateful for being invited as the closing keynote speaker at the Health Law Institute, I'll share a few practical suggestions from my talk “Advising clients in uncertain times.”

There is no shortage or uncertainty, unpredictability, and complexity these days. Regardless of your field of expertise and your specific role, following tips may help you deal with uncertainty when advising your clients:

1.    Know your own relationship with and responses to uncertainty and unpredictability:

a.     How does it affect your own moods, behavior, patience etc.

b.     How do you show your discomfort, in obvious and less obvious ways.

2.    Understand possible client feelings of confusion, dependence, anxiety, stress, frustration, and anger as ‘normal’, self-preserving responses to an ‘abnormal’ situation.

3. Know that one of the brain’s main functions is prediction and that it dislikes uncertainty. Our brain registers uncertainty as some kind of pain and danger that needs to be avoided, either by denying or fighting it. This triggers a threat and alert response in the amygdalae in our limbic system. The more resources are used by the limbic system, the fewer are left for the prefrontal cortex to do it’s work, which includes logical thinking, analyzing, problem-solving and the like. 

4. Focus even more on being trustworthy and dependable. This minimizes unnecessary uncertainty and stress and it increases the client's trust in you.

5. Assure that the content of your written and spoken communication is absolutely structured, consistent, logical, and repeated.

6. Own any mistakes you may make and amend them immediately to restore credibility. If you apologize while presenting the cure and displaying humble confidence, it does not make you look weak unless you keep making (the same) mistakes.

7. Anticipate individual variability in responses to uncertainty. Your client may stall necessary action, seek excessive reassurance, hear what they want to hear, and want to double check disproportionately where they wouldn’t in more certain times.

8. Find predictable elements of the situation, help focus on what matters most and on what can be controlled. 

9. Help the client create different scenarios and contingencies.

10. Provide certainty and clarity of process.

11. Focus even more on “extreme trust”. For that I refer to Stephen Covey’s 13 trust building behaviors (book The Speed of Trust): Talk straight - Demonstrate respect - Create transparency - Right wrongs - Show loyalty - Deliver results - Get better - Confront reality - Clarify expectations - Practice accountability - Extend trust - Keep commitments - Listen first!

Lastly, when dealing with complicated matter, remember to apply:

Metacognition: Think about your own thinking. Is it sound, diverse, critical?

Reflection: Which cognitive biases and thinking errors may be at play here?

Consultation with contrarians: True teamwork depends on appreciating, seeking, and fully utilizing a wide variety of thinking styles and approaches.

Avoidance of tendencies such as emotional reasoning, allowing personal likes and dislikes to cloud your thinking, and over- or under-simplification.

How to argue effectively

Sure, numerous conversations and meetings benefit from subtlety and agreement. Yet at least as many conversations and meetings require all involved to be able to argue effectively, to candidly speak out, to respectfully tell it as they see it, to challenge conventional wisdom without sugar-coating, and to openly call out mishaps, cowardice, ego-trouble, misguided intentions, or simply an opposing view or unlikely perspective.

So how do you do this thing called ‘arguing effectively’?

1.    Objectives must be shared, explained, and understood.

2.    Intentions must be constructive and trusted.

3.    Substantive debate must be everyone’s priority.

4.    Empathy and curiosity must accompany candor and persuasion.

5.    Participants must be willing to assume the other person’s position.

6.    Participants must distinguish between the person and their opinion.

7.    Participants must be capable and willing to give/receive respectful, candid feedback 

8.    You want a no-tolerance approach to dominating, condemning, remaining locked in the past, and attacking someone’s character.  

It is impossible and, more importantly, highly undesirable to eliminate all arguments from conversations and meetings. It is possible to argue respectfully and constructively so you can dive deeper into important topics, allow otherwise suppressed opinions, and clear the air of possibly toxic thoughts and emotions. 

All involved need to realize that a lack of agreement does not have to equal conflict, and that deeper connections, smarter solutions, and stronger commitments result from expressing, respecting, and seriously considering a contrarian’s point of view.