Saying it as it is

Though I generally prefer to think and talk in affirmative language rather than the language of don’ts, I believe this post to be a useful exception. When confronted with difficult interpersonal situations that involve critique, confrontation or other ingredients that likely create tensions, we often revert to response patterns such as avoidance, denial and sugarcoating. That’s why this post focuses on what to avoid and why.

1. Don’t sugar coat or downplay what happened - this leaves room for more positive interpretations and conclusions than are warranted. It’s misleading and once the person discovers what you really meant, trust is harmed. It results in confusion about where you stand and what you expect. It is dishonest, ineffective, and interferes with timely performance management.

2. Even worse, don’t ignore and avoid the situation all together or underestimate the severity - this would make you an accomplice to the situation, an enabler, since you allow it to happen or at least continue. In the absence of accountability, you open the door for others to behave similarly thinking that it will have no consequences. At the same time, ignoring and underestimating a situation can be seen as cowardly and as a sign of incompetence.  

3. Don't resort to corporate speak - this creates a distance between you and others, and it's generally perceived as inauthentic. It portrays you as disconnected, as if operating from an ivory tower. Corporate speak can be interpreted as an attempt to abdicate responsibility with an air of blaming and hiding. 

4. Don't solely focus on emotions - this can feed into escalations and direct attention away from critical thinking and problem solving. If you focus on emotions too strongly you may needlessly emphasize personal sensitivities and interpersonal dislikes. This hampers logic and crisis management. Emotions absolutely need to be acknowledged and taken into account, just be careful when to attend to them and in what manner. Know when to focus on facts, when on emotions. 

5. Don't use overly positive phrases such as "We are really lucky to be handed this learning opportunity" or vague phrases such as "A mistake was made" - this too creates confusion and communicates a lack of accountability. Such phrases are generally not credible thereby eroding trust and engagement. Instead, be clear: "We delivered this project passed the deadline because we misjudged the length it would take to accomplish step 3 and 4. We will now take the following action ..."

Say it as it is, pretty or not. Do it respectfully and expect the person to find it difficult to deal with such candor. For more information on this topic:

http://caromoors.blogspot.com/2014/01/candor.html

http://caromoors.blogspot.com/2013/11/straight-talk-from-stress-and-struggle.html

http://caromoors.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-step-by-step-framework-for-candid.html

The Eeyore Effect

Fear is an interesting emotion.

It’s a survival mechanism. Or so it should be.

Fear goes in opposite directions, however.

Fear saves your life and fear ruins your life.

It saves your life when it helps you respond in a protective manner.

When it helps you respond to (the threat of) danger.

Fear enables you to recognize danger and to assess:

I’ll flee from it or confront it – the fight-or-flight response.

So

Fear can result in safety and adaptation.

Or it can result in sabotage and stagnation.

One contributing factor is the power of perceived threat.

Candid feedback, an honest but maybe not so flattering opinion can be perceived as a threat.

As a threat to self-worth.

As a threat to your most human tendency to be liked and respected.

As a threat to your desire to seek acceptance and avoid rejection.

Another contributing factor is the amount of Eeyore in you.

As described so clearly in Benjamin Hoff’s “The Te of Piglet”, the Eeyore people in this world seem to be overloaded with fear.

They are afraid without an obvious threat.

Eeyore people are afraid to risk positive emotional expression, positive action, and positive involvement.

So we return to one such positive involvement: candor with others.

Candor in relationships - in business and beyond.

In many cultures, we’re simply not used to saying it straight.

We’re not trained to establish meaningful relationships in which you can speak your mind freely.

Sure, candor is easily misinterpreted as disrespect. Or so we fear.

Many times it’s our own unease and fear at work. Because when done right, speaking candidly is the best illustration of your respect for that person.

Of course, I’ve been there myself.

There is usually not much pleasant about criticism, at first.

But does everything always have to be pleasant and easy?

Your desire to be liked and respected by the people around you will likely keep you from speaking up in a group. You will probably allow your desire to fit in and to promote harmony outweigh expressing your true thoughts and feelings. Transparency, truthfulness, and meaningful conversation are overshadowed.
You overestimate the potential negative judgments of others. You don't express contrary views, even when it would be helpful. 

My question to you: Can’t something be difficult, painful, and potentially embarrassing while at the same time being of real value?

Don’t allow your fear to be judged wrong, incompetent, or unlikable rule you.

Of course, I like to be right too. I like it when people like me, approve of me, and think I’m an expert. But you only remain expert, you only improve, you only grow if people are willing to be candid with you. If people are willing to say it straight.

Do you allow them to? And are you this person to those around you?

Or will you continue to sabotage yourself and others?

The Eeyore in you might be worried about looking stupid. It might be so much easier to just complain and nitpick. Often behind the person’s back. That is ugly, right?!

Very ugly. And counterproductive too. Don’t be another Eeyore! Say it straight, with compassion and care, but clear as can be.

"Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily.

"If it is a good morning," he said.

"Which I doubt," said he.

"Why, what's the matter?"

"Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing.

We can't all, and some of us don't.

That's all there is to it."

"Can't all what?" said Pooh, rubbing his nose.

"Gaiety. Song-and-dance.

Here we go round the mulberry bush."

I do not mind to be the one to bring it up

The most destructive conversations in the workplace are the ones left unsaid. 

Most people instinctively avoid conflict even though good disagreement is central to progress.

  

Conflict avoidance and selective blindness lead managers, employees, and organizations astray.

Self-deception is inherent in the psychology of human beings. Self-deluded people believe that intention automatically translates into behavior.

The best partners aren’t echo-chambers and yes-men. The best teams allow people to deeply disagree.

One of the saddest phrases in the workplace: No one ever told me. 

When you avoid negative feedback and conflict, you lack accountability and you do a disservice to all involved. You waste everyone’s time.

There are many situations in the workplace where conversations benefit from subtlety and nuance. There are at least as many that need plain directness and courageous candor.

I choose my top two and went to work. 

Which one needs your attention most? Choose and get going. Now. 

Now isn't just the best time, but really the only time to start growing and improving. 

Tough conversations

As leadership expert Geoff Aigner found in his own research, the biggest road block managers and leaders (but anyone alive, really) must overcome is their reluctance to engage in tough conversations, usually for fear of being unkind. There is a common mistake at work here: confusing compassion with kindness. Leaders who truly care about the development and growth of their employees are able to push through the awkwardness, and tell it straight. Just like parents who really care about their children, adult children who care about their aging parents, friends who care about their friends… the list goes on, beyond the workplace.

Tough conversations can be and usually are the most valuable conversations we have. If you throw caring, courage, and candor in the mix, you will be able to provide people with information and perspectives that others might have too, but are unwilling to share. Tough conversations help us decrease our blind spots. Tough conversations force us to move away from self-distortion and ego-saving defense mechanisms. Tough conversations, if held well, decrease the need for cover-up practices. Tough conversations are tough in the here-and-now and become some of the strongest bonds between people.

What are you afraid of? What is holding you back? What skills do you need to strengthen in order to start tough conversations? Why not start now? Mistakes are okay. These types of mistakes aren’t fatal, you know.