That darn difficult word called ‘Sorry’

Early June I was honored to provide a webinar for Xcel Energy on delivering an effective apology. I will restrain myself and not go into the timeliness of this topic, yet you have to admit, we know too many people in politics, business, or at home who could do a much better job at apologizing.

Some people apologize easily and well, of course, others not so much. You may under or over-apologize or just go through the motions with all form but no substance or sincerity, making matters worse. A sincere and well-received ‘I am sorry for…’ and in which you speak the person’s language can help you learn from your interactions, repair the relationship, and restore credibility. So how to do it well? The five main ingredients of an apology, based on Gary Chapman’s book on the topic are:

1.    Express sincere regret openly, so not for the person to read between the lines.

2.    Accept full responsibility, without any type of blaming or excuses thrown in the mix.

3.    Make restitution.

4.    Genuinely repent and

5.    Request forgiveness.

Keep in mind that the apology is about what you did or didn’t say or do yet it is also about the person’s apology needs and language. People show individual differences in what they consider a ‘decent apology’. For Cliff it may be crucial to hear that you understand how deeply you’ve hurt him while Angela wants you to accept full responsibility for what you did. If you speak a different apology-language, emphasize the ‘wrong thing’, the person may not be satisfied with your apology, despite your good intentions.

In addition to Chapman’s five languages of apology I suggest you consider my 5 C’s of an apology. Any apology needs to be courteous, concise, candid, caring, and clear and you want to avoid common pitfalls: blaming, justifications, ifs and buts, excuses, longwinded, repetitive, and reluctant.

Three more examples of ineffective apologies are the excessive apology, over-apologizing and the you-apology. An example of an excessive apology: “I’m so sorry! I feel so bad. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? I feel so bad about this… I am really, really sorry!” Apologizing is meant to rectify a wrong and rebuild a damaged relationship. With excessive apologies you do no such thing because you draw attention to your own feelings, rather than to what you’ve done to another person. When you over-apologize you say “I’m sorry” for things that do not merit an apology. This is often rooted in upbringing and parental values on politeness and may reflect a tendency towards conflict-aversion and pre-emptive peace keeping. Regardless of how well intentioned, over-apologizing undermines confidence and credibility, it dilutes the power of the phrase when you do need it and it may be received as a way to seek re-assurance. Lastly, “I’m sorry you did not understand me” does NOT qualify as a true apology because you want to stay in the first person and refrain from any kind of accusing.

  

The Psychology behind Organization Development Work

This post is inspired by two days at the University of Minnesota – College of Continuing and Professional Studies, packed with curious people who brought a rich diversity of work and life experiences to our Organization Development Course. Stephanie and I greatly enjoyed and appreciated working with you all!

When it comes to Organization Development (OD) work, there is so much to discuss. This post focuses solely on some of the psychology behind OD work. Lets start with things you don’t need in OD work (or any other work):

1.    You don’t need to own the client’s problem.

2.    You don’t always need to be the smartest in the room.

3.    You don’t always need to be right.

Equally important of course is what you do need in order to be effective in any kind of OD work, such as the ability to:

-       Observe astutely

-       Ask powerful questions

-       Reflect regularly and thoroughly

-       Listen just a little longer than you may want to

-       Understand the influence of self (strength, weaknesses, experiences)

-       Think and help think in alternatives and solicit and utilize multiple perspectives

These six ingredients form the foundation of any success in OD work yet they are only the beginning of course. There are a myriad of other OD competencies, to mention just a few: knowledge of the business / industry / organization, research methods, management / organization theory, teamwork / collaboration, dealing with ambiguity, organization behavior, resource management, and project management. Enough to work on I’d say. 

Returning to the psychology of OD work, I think there are six crucial C’s in any OD role in addition to understanding the system and the technicalities of your field:

✓ Curiosity

✓ Candor

✓ Courage

✓ Creativity

✓ Confidence

✓ Communication

You want to apply all of the above with the right intention, timing, strength and focus in order to be effective. Ask yourself, which one of these comes natural to me and which ones do not? Which C’s may I be overusing in challenging situations, since an over-used strength easily turns into a liability? And which ones may I be neglecting or even shying away from and for what reasons?

Much of OD work is people-work so we discussed tempting, human pitfalls. They are nothing to be embarrassed or afraid about, yet you want to recognize and handle these tendencies to move from awareness and acknowledgement to accountability and action – my 4 A’s of professional effectiveness. Example tendencies are:

-       Getting sucked into personal drama

-       Communicating by verbal ping pong

-       Focusing in who is wrong and who is right

-       Being oblivious to the box you are in

-       Complaining, blaming or wanting to fix others

-       Getting in your own/your client’s way by not managing your hot buttons

There's much more to say about the psychology of OD work yet I’ll leave you with some of the many helpful questions to ask yourself and to ask others:

What may I/they be missing?

What may I/they be misinterpreting?

What may I/they be repeating from some other context?

What may I/they be really needing right now or protecting?

What can be truly different lenses to look at this situation?

What may we confuse as a problem to be solved where it's a polarity to be managed? 

The Courage to Doubt

If you could take a ‘Courage and Doubt Test’ just like you can take an intelligent test like the WISC-IV or a personality test like the Myers Briggs, how would you score on this Courage and Doubt test? How would you score on items such as:

The courage to take risks and possibly make mistakes

The courage to choose and not choose something else

The courage to let go of total control

The courage to truly delegate

The courage to be vulnerable

The courage to doubt yourself and show it

Lets zoom in on the latter: your ability (and willingness!) to doubt yourself. What is your outlook on doubt? Is it a sign of weakness, a sign of strength, both, neither? Does it depend on your position with the company, on the setting that you’re operating in, or does it depend on whether you’re meeting with your own team or with the organization’s top management?

If you believe that doubt undermines your authority and influence, you probably go to great length to eliminate or suppress doubt. This can lead to dogmatism and intolerance towards people who raise concerns, towards team members voicing uncomfortable questions, and towards people who simply have a different perspective from yours.

What is your outlook on doubt? Maybe you believe that doubt is a useful third eye. Maybe you realize that doubt puts a brake on overreliance on set ways of thinking, deciding, and doing. If this is you, you will likely embrace doubting thoughts because you realize doubt helps you take a step back, it helps you look at a situation from a different perspective, and it makes you wonder what the devil’s advocate has to say. Doubting your assumptions and thinking patterns helps you reduce self-deception, cognitive bias, and fossilization of your thinking.

No, you do not want to be paralyzed by excessive and insistent doubt, yet giving doubt a voice keeps you open-minded, fresh, less judgmental, and flexible.

Your complimentary online coaching session

Regardless of your industry, company, position, and present level of success, I’m sure there are problems on your plate for which coaching would be beneficial. The value of coaching is for a great deal in the interaction. For interaction with a skilled, astute coach creates deeper levels of awareness, stronger critical thinking skills, strengthened resilience, and improved accountability. This post is far from interactive, however, the following 21 questions can get you started when dealing with people, project, or other challenges. Answer them all, candidly and on paper, then revisit the questions and your responses in a few hours or, if it can wait a little longer, the next day:

1. Why is the problem a problem for everyone involved?

2. Which are your assumptions about the problem?

3. Which are your assumptions about every individual involved?

4. Do you recognize any untested and biased assumptions on your end?

5. What is the influence of power dynamics between you and others involved?

6. What are you trying to accomplish and whereto – for what bigger reason?

7. What’s important about that to you and others aware of this?

8. How are your sensitivities and ‘interpersonal allergies’ at play here?

9. What might someone who knows you well observe in this situation?

10. How candid have you been with yourself and with others?

11. How may stakeholders think totally different from you and why?

12. What specifically is it that the involved people are working to accomplish?

13. What have you tried so far and with what results?

14. What’s got you stuck, do you see connections with previous situations?

15. What is it that you may be fearing? And others?

16. What else would you do if you didn’t feel restricted by anything/anyone?

17. What would you need and from whom to actually do that?

18. How can you significantly change the conversation with those involved?

19. What are the next specific steps you will take to move things forward?

20. How will you know that you are progressing toward your goal?

21. How will you hold yourself accountable for progress and results?

Seriously answering every single question on paper, rather than zooming through them with an “I’ve gone through this before” or “I already know the answer to this question” – attitude, will help you think, choose, and accomplish differently.

Just Some Questions for You, That’s All

Part of my early morning routine is starting my MacBook in search for the good stuff by Harvard Business Review, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, the Wharton School of Business, Fast Company, or a good leadership/entrepreneur blog. It provides me with great nutrition for my brain and with new ideas for my talks, workshops and coaching sessions. Sometimes it’s nothing more than a different perspective on an existing concept which helps me look at an idea or event from an unusual angle. I like that, and I’m sure I don’t do enough of it. Neither do you.

This morning, the HBR Tip of the Day caught my eye with the title How to Ask Productive Questions?  Not new, not shockingly different but very relevant. It talks about how you and I make more statements than we ask questions. It talks about the fact that some (or many?) of our “questions” are in name only. I believe this to be true for most of us, and my advice to clients when working to improve their influence through communication is always straightforward: Decide whether to ask a real question or whether to make a clear statement, but decide and do. No deceiving please, because that leaves others misguided, insulted, defensive, confused, suspicious, even distrustful – and righteously so.

Hence I’ll be real clear. I have real questions for you. Questions I suggest you ask yourself in order to keep improving your effectiveness on the job, at home, anywhere.

- What am I not willing to admit?

- How can I find new ways to add meaning to the people on my team?

- Which of my beliefs have become fossilized and might be seducing me to ‘business as usual’?

- To what extent did I live by my values today?

- Am I really ‘there’ when I’m ‘there’, or is it a case of part-time presence? Do I allow distractions to keep me from fully engaging?

- Who impacted me today and how am I going to grow from this now?

- How can I make tomorrow more meaningful than today?

- What have I tried to control, which I know I shouldn’t?

- Was my heart involved in whatever my head focused on today?

- Did I communicate with conviction and clarity?

- Where did I lack the courage to stand up, speak out, be frank, say it straight?

I’d love to hear your question!

Fire Your Fear For Criticism

No-one ever had ‘criticism’ listed as their cause of death. No-one is immune to the human tendency to avoid negativity. No-one can deny having ever dreaded and feared that which makes them feel uncomfortable. When criticism comes your way, when your ideas are questioned, you can start with the following three steps:

a.   De-personalize the criticism and detach yourself emotionally

When stakes and visibility are high and when you’re passionate about a proposal, approach or project, it is highly likely that you act human – that is with an almost instinctive, defensive gut reaction. This is generally not productive. To take in criticism without allowing it to overwhelm and crush you, don’t turn to the person handing out the criticism but turn to yourself. Turn to your own assumptions, interpretations and judgments about criticism and stop speculating about the motives behind the criticism. De-personalize the feedback by looking at it as an outsider would. Rather than seeing it as a personal attack, see it as a piece of information that can enrich your thinking and improve your performance.

b.   Distinguish between productive and unproductive feedback

Some feedback is simply not worth your time. The criticism might be too detailed, lack relevance, it might be untimely, or based on incorrect information. In these cases, don’t waste your time and energy rebutting or fighting the criticism or getting all worked up about it. However! I wish to interject a big “However”: Be truthful and accountable for how you judge the relevance of criticism and avoid hiding behind excuses. Is the criticism really too detailed, untimely, off-focus or is that merely your way of ducking for unpleasant perspectives, feelings and possible consequences?

c.    Consult with people you trust

Criticism that is meant to be productive and that appears to be genuine deserves your attention. Be sure to be curious, to ask clarifying questions, and to invite candor and directness. Research and evaluate the criticism as if it were a business problem. Discuss the criticism with trusted people within or outside your department or organization. If you really wish to be a life-long learner I suggest you make it a habit to consult with people who don’t look, think and act like you do. Seek out people who dare to disagree with you, who care enough to be clear and direct, and who truly add a different perspective.

The bottom line

If you conclude that the criticism has merit, use it as a trigger to help you adapt and grow as a person and within your role. Criticism is a perspective, criticism is information. Information that can help you uncover blind spots. Criticism is information that can help close the gap between your intentions and the effects you create. Criticism is information that can fill in the gaps  between how you think you are being perceived and how you are really perceived. The better you know yourself and the effects you have on others and on the business, the more you will learn, grow and add value.

Toss out toxic criticism, fire your fear for critique, and get going with the ever-lasting game of growing.