Increasing Your Social Fitness

How you interact with others across situations and your ability to speak and act on your values in the face of situational pressure is what psychologist Philip Zimbardo and colleagues call ‘social fitness’. Even though the building of social fitness might benefit from techniques like learning to give at least one compliment to one person each day and from telling others what’s unique about them, I believe more fundamental work has to be done before social fitness is built to last and to succeed.

Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee have written a book titled Primal Leadership – Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence. These authors and researchers talk about the four components of emotional intelligence: self awareness and self-management (clustered as ‘personal competence) and social awareness and relationship management (clustered as ‘social competence). These four components are crucial not just in effective, inspiring leadership as the authors argue convincingly, but in healthy, happy living and working for anyone.

The four components, or better, capabilities, determine how you manage yourself and how you manage relationships. Is there anything else as important to manage? I don’t think so, whether you’re a leader or not, whether you’re employed or not, but with the recognition, of course, that for leaders (including parents who lead their children and everyone leading inside or outside the realm of business) it might be even more crucial to be leading (or better living) with a high Emotional Intelligence considering their influence on others.  

Both self awareness and social awareness are the basis for self management and relationship management, and both types of awareness are rooted in the views and principles of the Gestalt Psychology on which I have written before http://www.caromoors.blogspot.com/2011/03/gestalt-approach-to-organizational.html)

The three elements of self-awareness that Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee identify are emotional self awareness, accurate self-assessment, and self-confidence (see also: Why Women Leaders Need Self-Confidence on HBR Blog Network by Leslie Pratch). Some important aspects of self-management are, not surprisingly, self-control, transparency, adaptability, and optimism. In the category social awareness, empathy plays a crucial role. J. K. Rowling’s perspective on this component of emotional intelligence is “Imagining yourself into the lives of others” as she put it in a marvelous speech that I highly recommend you watch, with thanks to my dear friend Margje Ramaker who sent me the link: http://pottermoreravenclaws.tumblr.com/post/13486344610/j-k-rowling-on-failure-and-success-suggested

As for the last of the four major components of emotional intelligence, relationship management, and thus the fourth component of social fitness, Goleman and colleagues list inspiration, influence, developing others, and conflict management as some of the defining ingredients.

With this list of elements of strong self awareness and strong social awareness, it will be clear that there is a lot of work to do to build lasting social fitness, but also work that can begin right here and now, step by step, with the help of Goleman’s books on the topic or any other resource delving deeper into the ‘what, how, and where to’ of emotional intelligence. With such great authors and resources I do not feel the need to rewrite, add, or duplicate. I merely wish you many successful and inspiring social fitness sessions, because the discovery and growth never has to end and maintenance is as key here as it is in keeping up your house, yard, or car!

Monopoly, Chutes & Ladders and the Power of Attitude

In their book “High Altitude Leadership” Chris Warner and Don Schmincke discuss two different kinds of luck. The first one is pure luck. The luck (good or bad) that just happens by chance. This is the case with the game Chutes & Ladders. When our children were younger they loved this exciting, unpredictable game. And even though their chances of winning did not increase no matter how often they played it, even though it is just a matter of luck as soon as you spin the wheel, they would feel so proud and happy upon their victory. And of course they did, because winning a game is fun. And even though they disputed this many times (“I’m just better than you mom!”), there is no relationship with skill whatsoever.

The second type of luck is skill-based luck like the ‘luck’ in games such as Risk or Monopoly. The luck you (can) actively create using your insights and skills in a smart way, like the buying and selling of streets and houses in Monopoly. This is skill-based luck you can influence. One major ingredient for skill-based luck is not a skill, however, but your attitude. It has been widely researched and documented, including in the medical world, that people with a positive mental attitude get more accomplished, attract more successful people, recover quicker from illnesses or from an unwise move in a game for that matter. One such specific example of a positive attitude is imagining how things could have been worse and not dwelling on ill fortune that comes your way, again, applicable to dealing with life’s events as with bad moves in all kinds of games. If you decide (because it is a decision, whether conscious or not, and often learned and shaped early in life by the role models and the kind of guidance we received) to take control of the situation, to re-shape your environment, to rethink your options, to re-design your goals and strategy, to re-define, re-assess, and appreciate what’s left and what new possibilities can do for you, you are in charge by the power of your attitude. It’s the attitude, the look on life, the approach you choose that influences everything else. Looking on the bright side of things and working through hardship, searching for ways to benefit from what is now inevitable sure isn’t always an easy task, fra from, but as soon as you start pitying yourself, focusing on the negatives and allowing yourself to be sucked into the victim role you’re doomed for depressed moods, hopelessness, and self-defeat which than sets in motion a halo-effect, negatively influencing your thinking, feeling, deciding, and what you aspire to accomplish.

So my advice for the weekend: Reflect on your attitude. Reflect on your attitude in good times and in difficult times.  In what way and in which situations is your atttitude of service to you? Where do you see opportunity for change and growth, and what is it that you need to get there?

Good luck. The attitude-based luck that is!

Getting out of the box - Questions and Curiosity

                                                                                           

It might be counter-intuitive in the “I need to be the expert” rat race and with the belief that we have to be all–knowing, whatever the job or position we hold. However, I belief a good starting point for any conversation with yourself and with others to be: “I don’t know, let’s find out, explore, and then act wisely” unless, of course, you are certain of things.

If you are a regular reader of my blog you know I value the art and skill of questioning. Not because I would have loved to be an investigator of any kind nor because I take to philosophy, which I do. The true reason is that I see too many dead-end thinking processes. I witness too many conversations clogged with preconceptions, prejudices, assumptions, and unshakable beliefs that leave no room for different beliefs or perspectives. And I see too many ego-driven conversations with little or no meaningful focus on the other person, whether it be a client, superior, subordinate, or loved one. I believe all this to be dangerous in life, in business, in personal development, in politics – you name it.

So my question to you today is: Can you ever ask enough questions? Not easily, is my opinion, and I am not just speaking from a customer-focus point of view where you are trying to gain relevant information about customers or prospects. I mean in general. I therefore suggest we spend more time freeing the mind of preconceptions, prejudices and assumptions by asking more questions, almost like children do:

-What makes it so?

- Why not?                         

- How so?

- Why not the opposite?

- How do you know?

- Where to?

These and similar questions decrease the chances you stay locked up in possibly old beliefs that used to have value but, in a changing world, have lost most of their power. These questions decrease the chance you constrain yourself to the limitations of the “preconception straight-jacket”. These questions decrease the chance that you are perceived (and worse, operate as) a quick-fix shallow person with an inflated ego.

Some of the questions I suggest you contemplate

1.       What moves me?

2.       Where am I heading?

3.       Who moved me today?

4.       What are three different perspectives to use on this issue?

5.       Who did I move and inspire this week?

6.       What have I upset today, what did I stir up?

7.       What would I do if I weren’t afraid?

8.       What risks do I take?

9.       Where can others find my imprints?

10.   What do I want to see when I look back 10 years from now?

Asking relentless questions, asking thought-enhancing questions, that’s what broadens your perspective, that’s what makes you focus on others, that’s what helps you look inside, that’s what makes you take advantage of multiple perspectives, that’s what facilitates charting new territory, and that’s what enables creative problem-solving.

True, many questions don’t have definite answers, but that’s perfectly okay, better get used to it. It’s not always (or often not) about finding the right answers, it’s about asking the right questions and the process of re-examining and re-thinking that it fuels.

Bouillabaisse For Personal Effectiveness

Bouillabaisse is a traditional Provençal fish stew originating from the port city of Marseille , France. This delicious dish is a seafood soup made with various kinds of cooked fish, shellfish and vegetables, flavored with a variety of herbs and spices.

There is also a bouillabaisse for personal effectiveness, which, with the right ingredients and flavoring can assist you on your life long journey of personal growth and development. These are the must have ingredients. A list you can supplement and spice according to your taste – according to your station in life and your personal needs.

The basic ingredients for the bouillabaisse of personal effectiveness:

-       100 % Awareness of yourself (such as your beliefs, your strengths and weaknesses, your feelings and responses), awareness of others, and awareness of your environment. Without it there is little (self) knowledge, understanding, connection, and influence.

-       Ripe values that guide you in good and in difficult times and that show others what you stand for. Your values influence every decision and how you came to this decision. Your values are the essence of who you are. They help you choose a career, an organization, a partner, and much more. And if they do not, you will end up unfulfilled, disappointed, ever searching, or any other type of imbalance.  

-       A strong sense of purpose so that you and others know where you are heading and why. People seek purpose and people gladly join and follow someone who lives and acts with a clear and communicated purpose. A purpose statement defines your vision (where you want to go), your mission (what you do), and your strategy (how you get there, how you do it).

-       A healthy appetite for humor and play: laughing about yourself and laughing with others releases tension, puts things into perspective and is a fun thing to do. Laughter is a strong medicine for mind and for body and therefore another necessary ingredient for the bouillabaisse of personal effectiveness. And besides, laughter is known to lower blood pressure, reduce certain stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, it increases memory and learning, and it improves alertness, creativity, and memory just to mention a few health benefits of laughter.

Ready for your delicious bouillabaisse of personal effectiveness? It all sounds so easy but let’s put you through a test: Can you list your beliefs, values, purpose and the amount of time spent laughing, all without much thought and in 2 minutes? If not, you might want to explore and work on these ingredients because you should not have to think about them or have difficulty formulating them.

Enjoy the soup, but more so, the process, the journey, the cooking.

From The World Book of Happiness

Post number 100. I decided to make this a positive and happy one. The World Book of Happiness was my inspiration for this post.

Findings and food for thought from about one hundred experts in Positive Psychology, that’s the World Book of Happiness. More than just positive talk, these researchers from Germany, South-Africa, China, the U.S., France, Austria, Iceland, Australia, and many more countries share insights based on world-wide scientific research.  Knowledge about the role of family, money, genetics, free will, health, stress, future perspectives and about happiness for individuals, groups, and countries is shared in this wonderfully compiled work by Leo Bormans.

I’m just passing the stick, passing a tiny piece of happiness wisdom here.

Dr. Jose de Jesus Garcia Vega, university of Monterey, Mexico

Ignorance is the biggest obstacle on the path to happiness. There are many small and big ideas and methods to live a happier live, and many of them work well. Knowing is the first step, consistently applying them is the second step. It’s amazing how many people work hard, their whole lives, trying to be successful, totally forgetting to live happily. Later in life they spend a lot of money on trying to fix their health, their relationships, their family.

Do you recognize yourself or loved ones?
 

Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky, experimental social psychologist, University of California

Studies with identical and fraternal twins show that every person is born with an innate ‘set value of happiness’. That is the baseline or potential for happiness to which you always return, even after heavy setbacks or fantastic triumphs. You could compare this with the set value for weight. Some people effortlessly stay at the same weight while others have to work real hard at it, because their set value for weight is much higher. Does this mean we’re doomed as far as level of happiness is concerned? It’s not, says Lyubomirsky. Her controlled intervention research shows that people’s happiness can be increased and sustained through permanent changes and actions. Some of the deal makers are:

-          Creating a feeling of connection with your goals.
-          Avoiding excessive worrying about little things.
-          Investing in relationships.
-          Learning to forgive.
-          Enjoying small things.
-          Appreciating what you have.

Nothing much new, but how well do you score on these, how much time do you invest in these areas?

Professor Michael Hagerty, computer sciences and psychology, University of California

You can increase your happiness by consistently

-          Learning the art of forgiving to prevent being eaten by bitterness.
-          Healthy optimism that helps you persevere.
-          Setting goals that make you proud.
-          Daily meditations to get to know yourself better.

My experience taught me that for most people the hard part is in the ‘consistently’.

Dr. Vahid Sari-Saraf, Tabriz University of Iran, physiologist

Dr. Vahid Sari-Saraf researches the immune system of happy people and discovered the secret power of sports. Research with Iranian students has shown that athletes have a more extraverted personality and are happier than non athletes. Within the group of non athletes there is also a strong correlation between extraversion and happiness. Playing the right kind of sports for you on a regular basis can be a pleasant and social activity and stimulate happiness.

Another good remedy: laughing. An old saying in Iran says:  A laugh heals all pains.

How is your level of physical activity? How about laughing? Remember, a baby smiles around 400 times a day, and many adults don’t even make it to 20.

Hamba Kahle!

(Zulu for Good Luck)

Shifting your Focus

Struggling to change a habit, managing a transformation, switching jobs, acquiring new skills, juggling too many accounts … you fill in the blank, challenges abound. Just to be clear right from the start, I too believe that every situation, every person, and every challenge is unique and has it’s specifics. I do not believe in golden rules so this post is about reminding you of something you already know, but what might have been pushed to your background while digging into your challenge deeper and deeper:

Changing your focus can provide you with new perspectives, shed light on some of your blind spots, create a different mindset, positively influence your attitude, and point towards coping strategies otherwise gone unnoticed.

Below you'll find nine of my questions that can help you shift your focus. Try them!

1.    Are you listening to yourself? Many different aspects of yourself such as the language you use, the places where tension builds up in your body, the stories you create in your own mind etc. can give you clues to your beliefs, your strengths and weaknesses, your thought processes, your attitude, and more.

2.    What are the consequences of staying in the status quo, or: What happens if you don’t change? Have you asked yourself this question lately? What’s keeping you from moving, growing, taking risks, charting new territory?

3.    Are you taking full advantage of what you are already doing right? Of course, figuring out what’s not going right provides you with important information. But solely focusing on the ‘wrongs’ will affect your (and others) attitude negatively and it misses out on the opportunity to make it a two-track process including building on strengths, skills, accomplishments, present knowledge, and gifts.

4.    Are you using multiple perspectives from within and outside ‘your circle’? I’ve mentioned the value of approaching people who think unlike you in previous articles so I’ll leave at this.

5.    Are you using metaphors such as a classroom, a football team, a group of sailors, a tutoring situation, a herd of deer, or a scientist working on a medicine to look at your challenge?

6.    Have you grown complacent or do you lean more towards frantically running from one goal or challenge to the next? What are you putting on your plate and what are you allowing others to put on your plate? What is driving you to act complacently or frantically?

7.    Have you acted as your own advisor and coach lately? I refer to the old technique used in therapy, training, and coaching where you act as your own advisor by pretending that a good friend or colleague approaches you with your challenge and asks you for advice. Or a different version: You are a 20 year older ‘you’, wise from life’s experiences and you write a letter of advice to your younger (current) ‘you’.

8.    Have you lately played with what’s in your foreground and what’s in your background? At times we get so tangled up in a situation and in our set beliefs and ways of thinking that we do not realize we are doing ourselves a disservice by what’s on our screen and what we neglect to pay attention to. We don’t even differentiate between the two.

9.    Have you gone so deep into your personal comfort zone that changing is simply too much of an effort and that staying where you are and being part of the pack is just fine? And if it really is just fine or even great with you, then you’re good to go: stay in your comfort zone and be part of the pack. But if you keep yourself from moving towards your purpose, your values, your passion, and your goals, and if you know and feel that you honestly aren’t happy with the way things are, than get off that seat and mobilize support, tools, confidence, and energy.

Shift your focus, open new doors, and above all, see with different eyes.

Inspiration from the Orpheus Chamber Orchestra

Recently I reread parts of the book Leadership Ensemble – Lessons in Collaborative Management from the World’s Only Conductorless Orchestra, and I remain to be intrigued.

In the world of traditional orchestras, where the board of trustees, administrative management, and of course the conductor play key roles in determining strategic direction, project selection, and resource allocation, the Orpheus Chamber Orchestra has arranged things a little different  and it sure performs differently. The musicians of Orpheus participate in all areas of organizational decision making. The structure of Orpheus reflects the power of musicians. The structure of Orpheus also reflects principles like passionate dedication to mission, shared and rotated leadership, and clarity of roles which all have proven very fruitful.

Orpheus was founded in 1972 by cellist Julian Fifer and fellow musicians. They all aspired to perform a diverse orchestral repertoire using chamber music ensemble techniques and self-governing techniques. Orpheus is one of the few self-governing ensembles playing today.

Orpheus performs without the usually all-powerful conductor and rotates musical leadership roles for each work. The Orchestra strives to empower its musicians by integrating them into almost every facet of the organization, literally changing the way the world thinks about musicians, conductors, and orchestras. And, about leadership.

The orchestra’s success is founded on eight principles that I will briefly mention and that are meant to help you contemplate, and if necessary re-think and revise your leadership beliefs and practices:

Principle 1: Put power in the hands of the people doing the work. Key words: power, decision-making authority and realizing people’s full potential.

Principle 2: Encourage individual responsibility. Key is that every individual takes the initiative to resolve issues.

Principle 3: Create clarity of roles and functions. Key is: avoiding employee conflict, wasted effort, poor morale, and poor products and services.

Principle 4: Share and rotate leadership. Key is valuing and using everyone’s contribution and benefiting from unique skills and experience.

Principle 5: Foster horizontal teamwork. Key words: optimizing personal expertise and individual responsibility.

Principle 6:  Learn to listen, learn to talk. Key is listening actively and intently and speaking directly and honestly.

Principle 7: Seek consensus. Key is that no organization or group can move forward unless its members agree to move together in the same direction at the same time.

Principle 8: Dedicate passionately to your mission. Key is: member-owned mission and passion drives focus, energy, determination, decision, and results.

For more information and inspiration I recommend the book by Harvey Seifter and Peter Economy.