Fire Your Fear For Criticism

No-one ever had ‘criticism’ listed as their cause of death. No-one is immune to the human tendency to avoid negativity. No-one can deny having ever dreaded and feared that which makes them feel uncomfortable. When criticism comes your way, when your ideas are questioned, you can start with the following three steps:

a.   De-personalize the criticism and detach yourself emotionally

When stakes and visibility are high and when you’re passionate about a proposal, approach or project, it is highly likely that you act human – that is with an almost instinctive, defensive gut reaction. This is generally not productive. To take in criticism without allowing it to overwhelm and crush you, don’t turn to the person handing out the criticism but turn to yourself. Turn to your own assumptions, interpretations and judgments about criticism and stop speculating about the motives behind the criticism. De-personalize the feedback by looking at it as an outsider would. Rather than seeing it as a personal attack, see it as a piece of information that can enrich your thinking and improve your performance.

b.   Distinguish between productive and unproductive feedback

Some feedback is simply not worth your time. The criticism might be too detailed, lack relevance, it might be untimely, or based on incorrect information. In these cases, don’t waste your time and energy rebutting or fighting the criticism or getting all worked up about it. However! I wish to interject a big “However”: Be truthful and accountable for how you judge the relevance of criticism and avoid hiding behind excuses. Is the criticism really too detailed, untimely, off-focus or is that merely your way of ducking for unpleasant perspectives, feelings and possible consequences?

c.    Consult with people you trust

Criticism that is meant to be productive and that appears to be genuine deserves your attention. Be sure to be curious, to ask clarifying questions, and to invite candor and directness. Research and evaluate the criticism as if it were a business problem. Discuss the criticism with trusted people within or outside your department or organization. If you really wish to be a life-long learner I suggest you make it a habit to consult with people who don’t look, think and act like you do. Seek out people who dare to disagree with you, who care enough to be clear and direct, and who truly add a different perspective.

The bottom line

If you conclude that the criticism has merit, use it as a trigger to help you adapt and grow as a person and within your role. Criticism is a perspective, criticism is information. Information that can help you uncover blind spots. Criticism is information that can help close the gap between your intentions and the effects you create. Criticism is information that can fill in the gaps  between how you think you are being perceived and how you are really perceived. The better you know yourself and the effects you have on others and on the business, the more you will learn, grow and add value.

Toss out toxic criticism, fire your fear for critique, and get going with the ever-lasting game of growing.

  

I do not mind to be the one to bring it up

The most destructive conversations in the workplace are the ones left unsaid. 

Most people instinctively avoid conflict even though good disagreement is central to progress.

  

Conflict avoidance and selective blindness lead managers, employees, and organizations astray.

Self-deception is inherent in the psychology of human beings. Self-deluded people believe that intention automatically translates into behavior.

The best partners aren’t echo-chambers and yes-men. The best teams allow people to deeply disagree.

One of the saddest phrases in the workplace: No one ever told me. 

When you avoid negative feedback and conflict, you lack accountability and you do a disservice to all involved. You waste everyone’s time.

There are many situations in the workplace where conversations benefit from subtlety and nuance. There are at least as many that need plain directness and courageous candor.

I choose my top two and went to work. 

Which one needs your attention most? Choose and get going. Now. 

Now isn't just the best time, but really the only time to start growing and improving. 

Wisdom from Lao Tzu

Bits and pieces from the Tao Te Ching. No explanations needed.

The best leader is one whose existence is barely known

Next best is one who is loved and praised

Next is one who is feared

Worst of all is a leader who is despised

If you fail to trust people

They won’t turn out to be trustworthy

The wise person sets an example by

         Emptying his mind

         Opening his heart

         Relaxing his ambitions

         Relinquishing his desires

         Cultivating his character

Having conquered his own cunning and cravings

He can’t be manipulated by anyone.

Knowing others is intelligence

Knowing the self is enlightenment

Conquering others is power

Conquering the self is strength

Know what is enough, and you’ll be rich

Persevere, and you’ll develop a will

Remain in the center, and you’ll always be at home

The wise person acts without effort

And teaches by quiet example

He accepts things as they come

Creates without possessing

Nourishes without demanding

Accomplishes without taking credit.

That the birds of worry fly over your head

This you cannot prevent

But that they build nests in your hair

This you can!

The five colors blind the eye

The five tones deafen the ear

The five flavors overwhelm the palate

Fancy things get in the way of one’s growth

Racing here and there

Hunting for this and that

Good ways to madden your mind, that’s all

Relinquish what is without

Cultivate what is within

Live for your center, not your senses

If you compete with no one

No one can compete with you.

Rocking the Boat: A couple of coaching assumptions and questions

“Confrontational, eye-opening, and refreshing.”

“No-escape conversations about what really matters.”

“Brutally candid, very direct, and respectfully in-your-face.”

These are some of the phrases that my clients use when they describe my style and interventions. And they are right. I do not shy away from confrontation or conflict. I disrupt where necessary to reach objectives at a good pace. I provoke if that's what it takes to open eyes and decrease blind spots. 

Of course I do this because I deeply care for my clients. I professionally care enough to risk misinterpretation of my interventions and to risk discontinuation of a project. It hasn't happened yet, but I've been close twice. However, my clients quickly experience  deep professional care for their professional and personal well-being. And they learn that my assumptions about people are different than those of most coaches. Six of these assumptions are: 

1.    People grow and change in response to challenges.

2.    The client loses when a coach beats around the bush, sugar-coats, postpones, delays, or rephrases as opposed to courageous, direct, candid and, if need be, confrontational and provocative interactions.

3.    In a trusting and transparent relationship people can handle confrontations, provocations and the (sometimes brutal) truth.

4.    People have a greater ability to change than is often assumed by coaches and themselves. 


5.    The psychological fragility of people is frequently overstated by both themselves and others.

6.    Unproductive behaviors can be drastically altered, no matter how seemingly severe.

These assumptions lead to a direct, candid, and if need be provocative approach which in turn leads to quicker and more sustainable results. No sugar coating or procrastinating, instead, you will face unpleasant truths and embrace radically different perspectives. In provocative coaching you will face your idiosyncrasies and challenges head-on. Not to dismiss, judge, or condemn them, but to see them for what they are and how they play their part in what you accomplish - and what you don't. 

Just a few of the many coaching questions that I have found very useful:

1. Related to your coaching objectives, think about what you are not telling me, what you are not showing me, what you are hiding from me? Follow-up question: What is keeping you from full disclosure?

2. What is that you are not admitting to yourself? In which ways and in which areas are you deceiving yourself?

Follow-up question: Can you list all the benefits from this self-deceit?

3. What do you gain from your problems? What would you lose if your problems, that led to these coaching sessions, were all solved?

4. What have you purposefully done lately to surround yourself with people who challenge you and are willing to oppose you?

Follow-up question: To what extend do you use their perspectives to really grow? 

Which are your provocative responses and practices?
And for examples of really provocative interventions, keep an eye on my next blog post.