The question I ask myself today: “How do I deal with failing, being wrong, or being partially mistaken?” Why do I sometimes freak out at the possibility that I’ve said or decided something wrong?
Many messages, starting at home and at school, tell us we need to be right, preferably a 100% and preferably all the time. Whether you've been told literally or not, most of us have received persistent messages that failure is bad and failure should be avoided. Wrong message, of course depending on the situation. Yet attachment to my own rightness misses the point of being human. It can be very dangerous to be convinced that you’re on the right side of things and that you must be the only one being on the right side of the issue. That's when we stop entertaining the possibility that me may be wrong or merely subjective or merely that there is no right or wrong, just different perspectives, different fears and needs, different and autobiographical response patterns. How often do you truly and seriously contemplate that you could be at least partially wrong entailing and welcome the opportunity to learn about your preconceptions, blind spots, and areas you can improve or gain new perspectives? How often do you truly and seriously contemplate that others are just more knowledgeable, wiser, or thinking differently yet not less 'right?'
Many messages, starting at home and at school, tell us we need to be right, preferably a 100% and preferably all the time. Whether you've been told literally or not, most of us have received persistent messages that failure is bad and failure should be avoided. Wrong message, of course depending on the situation. Yet attachment to my own rightness misses the point of being human. It can be very dangerous to be convinced that you’re on the right side of things and that you must be the only one being on the right side of the issue. That's when we stop entertaining the possibility that me may be wrong or merely subjective or merely that there is no right or wrong, just different perspectives, different fears and needs, different and autobiographical response patterns. How often do you truly and seriously contemplate that you could be at least partially wrong entailing and welcome the opportunity to learn about your preconceptions, blind spots, and areas you can improve or gain new perspectives? How often do you truly and seriously contemplate that others are just more knowledgeable, wiser, or thinking differently yet not less 'right?'
Thinking you are right and that you see it right might make you feel smart and safe, but when you pretend to know everything or to have the best approach, you miss opportunities to widen your scope, to gain alternatives, to learn something new.
I like to replace Descartes’: “I think, therefore I am” with Augustine’s “I err, therefore I am”.
I love conviction and I find conviction dangerous. When you’re convinced of your approach, your rightness, you’re convinced that your beliefs perfectly or best reflect reality. Can they ever? How about other beliefs and realities? How do you explain all those times that people disagree with you? We often assume they're not seeing something clearly or 'objectively', that they’re ignorant, that they're not as smart as we are, or we occasionally even may suspect malicious intent. How about “I don’t know” or “Maybe I’m wrong” or “Maybe there are more perspectives than just mine”. When you acknowledge your own limitations and your limited perspectives, others can do the same.
I like to replace Descartes’: “I think, therefore I am” with Augustine’s “I err, therefore I am”.
I love conviction and I find conviction dangerous. When you’re convinced of your approach, your rightness, you’re convinced that your beliefs perfectly or best reflect reality. Can they ever? How about other beliefs and realities? How do you explain all those times that people disagree with you? We often assume they're not seeing something clearly or 'objectively', that they’re ignorant, that they're not as smart as we are, or we occasionally even may suspect malicious intent. How about “I don’t know” or “Maybe I’m wrong” or “Maybe there are more perspectives than just mine”. When you acknowledge your own limitations and your limited perspectives, others can do the same.
Are you ready and wiling to try it more often?
Great piece, Carolien!
ReplyDeleteI've been right thousands of times in my life, but I also have been wrong probably an equal number of times. Being right sometimes massages my ego...being wrong allows me to learn something and move forward.
We should alway enjoy the moments that we've made that we've right decision, but we should not always despair those times when the wrong choice was made. As you said, being wrong also is part of the human condition.
It's, of course, very hard because society does not usually reward you being wrong. The key: We do need to understand our limitations to let others see us in a more authentic and real light.
I hope you have a resilient day.
Steve Beseke
http://resiliencyfirst.com